Valentine's Weekend

We've had a fun weekend together.  After a busy week of doctor's appts and busy schedules, we were fortunate to slow down and enjoy some family time.  There has been a lot of yelling in our house this week- from all parties.  This weekend has been good for our souls and full of smiles.

The kids eagerly opened their cards they've been gathering in their mailboxes...

 

Julia always looks forward to Daddy's pancakes and this weekend he made hearts for his little princess...

  

Saturday we spent the whole day doing crafts.  It was a day of messy fun, but we all had a great time and I only had to clean it all up once...

 

The kids loved all the dough, glue, and paint.  We finished with some cute keepsakes...

 

Then it was time for a much needed date night.  (Thanks Patrick and Shana!) We had a yummy dinner and went to see The Blind Side movie (loved it!). It was a great night!  Though I have to confess that in between the two places, we went to CVS to buy diapers.  Isn't romance with kids fun? :)

  

We were happy to all get to church this morning.  Our several inches of snow yesterday had all melted away by this morning.

  

After church the kids had their annual scavenger hunt.  Mimi and Grandpa send them a box each year with a gift and several small surprises.  We take all of them and turn it into a fun game...

  

Then we enjoyed a yummy brunch...

  

...followed by a family bike ride.  The kids and Daddy all have bikes now and Mommy runs alongside to give Julia a push when she needs it.  It felt so good to be out in the sunshine- no wind, no snow, no rain... for now.

It has been such a treat to have fun family time.  Julia's surgery to remove her port is scheduled for tomorrow morning (Monday) at 7am.  We are supposed to be at the hospital at 6am.  It is also supposed to start snowing at 4am.  So please pray for safe travels in the wee hours tomorrow.  And seriously, what is with all the snow this year?! Everyday someone says, 'did you hear it's supposed to snow again?' And it has, every week.  Even the kids have seen enough.  They didn't even ask to play in it yesterday.

I had some time Friday morning, while Carter was at a playdate, to talk to Julia about her upcoming surgery.  We went over everything that will happen.  At the end she started to cry and said, "Mommy, I'm really nervous." It broke my heart.  I started to reassure her about the procedure and how the day would go.  She stopped me and said, "No mommy, I'm not nervous about surgery.  I love going to the hospital.  I'm nervous about going back in my classes (church, MOPS) and playing with my friends again." I knew it would be an adjustment, but I didn't realize how much it's affecting her.  She has not been in large group child settings in almost a year.  She was 2 1/2 then.  She doesn't even remember it.  I know it will take time for her to learn to socialize, adjust to the busyness, negotiate and share with other kids, follow rules, and fend for herself.  I promised her we would do it slowly and she didn't have to do anything that she wasn't ready for.  Please pray for her adjustment to being a regular kid again.

She is excited about getting her port taken out.  Today was her last day of wearing a mask when we went to church.  She likes to tell us, "When my port's out, I can touch things again (in public places like the children's museum)!" We are all looking forward to her coming freedom.  And spring being right around the corner could not have come at a better time! Please pray for a smooth and successful surgery tomorrow and quick healing.  (Her bowel retraining is going as planned so far, though quite messy with the large doses of miralax.  I will be updating the blog tomorrow from the hospital with surgery updates to keep everyone posted.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend surrounded by ones you love!

 

Our Happy House

I always dread taking down the Christmas decorations because the house feels so naked.  Then after awhile I start to noticed how dirty it is.  I have some inkling to start spring cleaning, but the frigid weekly snow dampens that pretty fast.  So I am always happy when February rolls around and we can decorate for Valentine's Day.  It's such a fun time to celebrate our love for each other, our family and friends, and God's amazing love for us.  It's something we enjoy the whole month long.  Here's a little glimpse into our home...

 

  

 

  

  

  

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Things That Matter

New Year's Resolutions.  Love them or hate them, they come around ever year.  A new month, a new year, a new start.  You can't help but think about things as you reflect on the past year and think about the one ahead.
I have had so many conversations with other moms lately about feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and the dreaded 'mommy guilt' that we all have.  It is epidemic! The new year can be a fresh start in many respects.  A time to do things differently.  I don't normally make resolutions, but somethings been on my mind, lately.  My goal this year is to...

Do the things that matter, better.

If you ask any mom you know, they would tell you they have a lot on their plate.  It's true no matter what your individual situation.  Our plates may look different... full time work, part time work, stay at home mom, volunteer, wife, friend, mom of toddlers, mom of teens, nursing mom, homeschooler, foster mom, daughter, caregiver... to name just a few.  Most people's plates contain servings of many of these at one time.

And those are just the main courses! Then we have to make room for all the side dishes... laundry, dishes, meals, errands, organizing, planning, carpooling, refereeing, nurturing, hosting, molding, creating, couponing, discipling, disciplining, cleaning, serving, praying, writing, teaching, entertaining, fixing, finding, disinfecting, inspiring, exercising, oh and I almost forgot... sleeping!

Where did all this come from? I couldn't help but let my mind wander back a a hundred years or so. It used to be mothers spent all their time just doing the basics.  Childcare, laundry, food prep, and cleaning took every hour of your day.  There weren't many choices to how you spent your time.  Today, we have so many conveniences now that make these things easier  We also have a wealth of choices and opportunities for ourselves and our families.  An endless array of decisions to make. And in the midst of all of this, most of us feel the need, almost a mandate, to do as much as we can within each day.  

We all have friends and family members we look up to that we think have it all together.  They are able to juggle and make room for everything they need to do.  In the blog world we all live in we gain even greater access into the lives of others.  On one hand it is a tremendous network and resource that has amazing benefits and possibilities, but it also leaves so many doubting their own skills and feeling grossly inadequate.  You know the feeling, the blogger mom who homeschools, makes all organic food from scratch, creates all her kids' worksheets and projects from scratch, sews her kids clothes, works out regularly, publishes books, blogs, serves at church, keeps her scrapbooks current, cooks for her husband every night, etc. all while smiling and never raising her voice.  Most mom bloggers out there are keepin' it real and reveal their struggles and mishaps as well.  But our minds play tricks on us and we begin to compare and feel inadequate and put pressure on our selves to do more.   

I've had a lot of time to think about this over the past few years.  When my own health was a daily hurdle (undiagnosed thyroid disease), I had to really take stock everyday and try to accomplish the essentials.  I had trouble just functioning most days and my mind was such a fog.  I give my sweet husband so much credit for going above and beyond every single day for our family. It was over two years until we had a diagnosis for my problems.  It took over a year into the process, but I realized I could let the stress and 'undones' weigh me down or I could let it go.  I learned in time (a lot of it) to give my days to God every morning and ask Him to show me throughout the day where my heart needed to be. When Julia's was diagnosed our life was no longer ours.  For the past year cancer was at the forefront of everything that happened to us.  I learned to let the schedule go and lay it all down, daily.


But through it all it has made me really take stock of my time and energy.  How do I want to spend my days? What do I want my children to remember? What matters to God? When my kids were really little I realized regular weekly housecleaning was at the bottom of the list.  Babies are only babies for a short time and I wasn't going to miss it.  As they have grown the flow in our days has changed daily but there will always be an unpredictability to it.  As our pastor reminds us, "The days are long, but the years are short." It is my daily prayer to enjoy the moments and not miss it because I was focusing on the wrong task at the time.  I read on a blog recently a sign that says, "Please excuse the mess, my children are making memories here." I love that.  Living life with preschoolers, especially homeschooling, is messy... in a good way.

The biggest challenge is perspective.  How do I need to respond or react in this situation to have the best outcome.  Am I taking the time to shape their hearts and not just their behavior? We want them to be holy, not just obedient.  I want them to be kids with character. Am I treating them as individuals and responding to them as I should? Is this really something that matters? Am I missing the point? Am I dwelling on the past, or living in the present? Am I modeling the behavior I want to see? Am I reacting out of my own unmet needs instead of the situation? Am I forgiving myself for failures and weaknesses? A friend said recently, "Our children won't remember all the things we did with them.  They will remember how we made them feel." That says so much- which led me to my decision to...

Do the things that matter, better.

All of this is impossible without prayer and daily surrendering.  God has a plan for each one of our children and He is in control, not us.  Whew! What a relief. But he also calls each mom to a unique purpose.  For some it's writing or volunteering or hosting or praying or caregiving, etc.  It is different for each one of us where and how we are called to serve, but it is so important to not lose that in the daily to-do lists placed on each one of us.  We have to make time for ourselves, forgive ourselves, let ourselves off the hook to 'do it all', be real with each other, encourage each other, ask for help, and when it doubt stop and pray first.

Wacky, Windy Wednesay

Today started SO much earlier than I had planned it would.  Julia was poking me at 4:30am to say she needed more water.  Then soon after to say she needed a new diaper.  Then she couldn't sleep because of the wind noise.  Then she wasn't tired anymore.  Needless to say, I did not plan on starting the day at 4:30, but now we had to roll with it.  We did fairly well for the first few hours getting ready and packing everything we would all need for the rest of the day.  By 9am, we were unraveling fast.  The kids were making each other nuts- still not exactly sure why.  When they weren't bickering they were finding trouble.  Where in the realm of the normal did throwing mommy's cell phone (twice) ever seem like a good idea?! After finally getting them to brush their teeth, put on shoes and coats, I decided it would be better if they went and got in their car seats while I grabbed the last minute items.

Simple enough, right?! Wrong.  Julia didn't want Carter walking in front of her in the car so she kicked him.  He in turn tried to bite her.  What?! Who are these kids? Apparently the gusting winds today have blown in some bad attitudes.  I settled that issue and left them buckled.  No sooner was I in the kitchen, Julia was screeching.  My mature mommy response? Screech right back at her from the kitchen.  Yes, it was not a shining mommy morning around here.  Just keepin' it real...

We were finally on the road at 9:30 and everyone was peaceful again.  Carter was actually singing the books of the New Testament and Julia was dancing while he sang.  I know it sounds crazy.  But it's true.  I have to confess I laughed at first.  This was SO not the snapshot of our morning, but a much better place to leave things.  We dropped off Carter and headed to Brenner's.  I was optimistic our day would improve.  I actually look forward to days like this with her because I have only one focus- Julia- and no other distractions or commitments.  Everything else just fades away.

We started in the GI clinic to meet with the PA about her chronic constipation.  I filled out all the paperwork.  It still catches my breath to see everything she's been through on paper.  After taking a quick history, she did a full exam on Julia.  She wanted to get an x-ray series to see what her bowels look like at the moment.  We went across the hall to radiology and were in and out in no time.  I always cringe because it seems some of the sickest kids we run into in the hospital are in radiology and they don't have their masks on! So those of us who are healthy and want to stay that way wear ours.  Then we headed back to the clinic and sat down to discuss the plan.

GI agrees with the oncologists.  Julia has had slowly worsening constipation issues throughout chemo.  It started to get bad when they had to increase her vincristine dosage (to almost double) because she had turned 3yrs old, therefore needing the child dose instead of toddler dose.  In response her intestinal tract muscles have lost their tone and her pelvic floor muscles are no longer functioning as they should.  So the plan? She starts bowel retraining tomorrow.  For the next three weeks she will receive miralax in everything she drinks.  They will x-ray her again in 2 weeks and if there are still problems they will add additional medications to the process.  Then we start with behavior and potty training.  That will be the harder part of it all.  We have a lot of control over the medicine she receives and very little control over her internal muscles and behaviors.  That will be up to her.  We are hoping with her age and typically cooperative nature she will be motivated to make all this work.

We had some time to kill before her next appointment, so we went up to the 9th floor to visit and so Julia could play in the playroom.  Then we headed to lunch in the cafeteria.  It is a great place to people watch.  Julia could not believe all the doctors, nurses, and med students in one place.  She was singing and performing for them as she ate.  She was so full of herself today.  We had a good time hanging out.

Then we headed over to the surgical part of the hospital.  Dr. Pranikoff was in surgery on a difficult case when we arrived.  We ended up being seen by one of his residents for her pre-op.  (Is it just me or do residents look like 13?) Everything looks great and they have decided to take her port out on Monday morning.  Dr. Turner came into to look over everything and sign off.  As of right now, it's a go.  They will call us over the weekend to confirm.  As we know from her last surgery, this is all up in the air based on the cases that come in overnight.  At this point we will go in at 6am Monday morning to meet with anesthesia.  She will receive general anesthesia and go into surgery around 7am.  They anticipate being able to pull it out using the same incision they made to put it in.  She was a riot while we were there making her new dog talk and interact with everyone.  Then she went back to singing.  The halls of the surgical clinic were filled with the sound of her singing/humming, whatever it was.  Everyone seemed to enjoy it and we left a lot of folks smiling.  It never ceases to amaze me on days like today she cries so much at home and sings constantly at the hospital- isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

She had time to play with her friends this afternoon which made her day.  Mommy was able to take a much needed nap (thanks Annmarie!) to get through the rest of the day (she even fed us all dinner).  Julia never made it to Awana.  She ended up crashing in the car around 6pm.  I brought her home for a quick shower, snack, and stories, and she is off to dreamland- hopefully for a good night's sleep- for all of us.

So only one week left of mask-wearing and avoiding germs.  Hard to believe! God has been so good to us this winter.  She has not had so much as a sniffle since her last hospitalization in October! That will never cease to amaze me.  Only God.  Her little world is about to get a whole lot bigger.  I'm so excited to see her be able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life again and just enjoy being three.

Snow, Soccer, School, Super Bowl... and more doctors.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  Things have been going well.  You would think all the snow days at home would have led to more posts... well kind of.  I have several in the works.  God has really been doing a great thing with our Believing God Bible study.  So great in fact, I am often at a loss for words and overwhelmed by the power of God's truths and promises.  I have multiple posts in process and will hopefully have them up soon.

We enjoyed our snow days at home.

(Okay, that's definitely the edited version.  We have enjoyed 90% of it and the rest we've tried not to hurt each other.) Though our 8 inches is nothing compared to the 3 feet our friends in VA received! Grandpa is having lots of 'fun' with it in Quantico.  It seems everyone around here has had enough of the winter weather.  Even the kids say, "it's not going to snow again is it?" We're definitely ready for spring.  By early March we are usually breaking out the short sleeves, so the spring dreamin' has begun.  It hit me the other day when we drove by a park that we have not played on a playground since June because of Julia's treatments and counts.  This spring and summer will be very different and we cannot wait.  Just thinking about it is almost too good to be true :)

We registered for spring soccer this week and got Carter's new cleats.  He is SO ready for sports season again.  The winter lull is such a drag for him.  Julia had wanted to play, too but I think this season may be a little too soon.  We want her port out and bowel issues under control first.  Hopefully by fall she will be healed and ready to go.  I cannot believe the spring season starts in a month.  Bring on spring we are ready! 

So last week we tried to make the most of it.  Unfortunately the cold rain turned the beautiful, fun snow into a muddy slurpee- not cool.  We were able to finally make some snow cream.  The kids thought it was very cool.  They love eating snow as is, so this was even better.

We're trying to get back into a regular schedule with homeschooling.  Carter does so much better when we are doing it regularly.  The first day back after a lull is an adjustment.  Last week on day 2 he said, "Wow, when I don't complain I get that all done so much faster!" Revelation! Hello?! At least he noticed the difference.  I really can't complain.  He is a great student and I have enjoyed so much watching him grow over the past two years.

Recently he has made several huge leaps.  He learned to read at 3 1/2 and was excited about it for the first few months.  Then he started to get frustrated and annoyed.  We backed off on direct reading and focused on other subjects.  We started back a year later and he made good progress.  Just recently he has been reading everything everywhere.  All the pieces have just clicked in his brain.  The same thing happened with writing.  He has not been a big fan of handwriting.  At 3, he told me he didn't need to write his name because he could just type it.  Though the future is definitely in computers, he will learn to write.  We trudged on.  He learned to write all his letters, but his perfectionist tendencies frustrated him.  He preferred to write in capitals all the time.  I let it go, just happy he was writing.  Now at 6, with no instruction, he is writing properly and neatly (using lowercase).  Something just clicked.  Anyway, more on homeschooling later.  I've had several people ask recently what we are using and I have a post coming out soon.

I have not started working formally with Julia.  She has been through so much this past year that it really complicates the entire process.  Fortunately she is surrounded by books, games, arts, music, Carter's school, etc. and she has picked up so much on her own.  She learned to write her letters from a Leapfrog DVD and an iTouch app.  She is starting to sound out words, but we haven't taken it past that.  I don't want to frustrate her or draw her into situations where we will likely clash.  I also don't want to require more of her than she is able since she has kind of been frozen in time developmentally. 

Since she began healing from chemo we have noticed that as the side effects in her personality and mood have disappeared, they have been replaced with new ones.  Three's are an interesting age.  They are so passionate, emotional, dependent and independent at the same time, creative, innovative, and often whiny.  Julia pretty much missed her three's with surgery, radiation, and chemo.  So it feels like we are making some of that up now in a higher speed.  If it's possible, she is acting like a 3 yr old and 4 yr old at the same time.  She is starting to notice the differences in her life as she feels better.  Last week at Awana, she looked at me and said, "Mom, how come I'm the only one whose mom has to come with them?" She knows the reasons.  But she doesn't always like them.  As long as she has the port we are doing our best to protect her from germs and minimize her contact.  It is encouraging to know independence is something she is ready for now and is hopefully just around the corner.  For the past 11 months, she and I have been together almost 24/7.

We went to a Super Bowl Party on Saturday with some friends.  It was the first time Julia has been in a setting like that in many months.  It is still new to her.  She is used to playing with  2 or 3 other kids at the same time, but not navigating a large group.  For the first hour she wanted to be held.  She did finally get used to it and had a great time.  It is wonderful to hear happy squeals and see busy kids, something we cannot wait to be a part of again.  It's so nice to see her hangin' with her boys again :)

And now this is the week of doctors again, though not all for Julia.  Carter has his well-check and had to see our dermatologist to check an unusual mole on the bottom of his foot and one on the top.  Unfortunately Billy's family has a history of melanoma and he has had dozens of moles removed- several abnormal.  So in addition to liberal sunblock use, these checks will be a regular part of our kids' lives.  I am happy to report the two moles on his feet looked fine and he is good until next year.

Wednesday, Julia and I will be spending the day at Brenner's.  In the morning she will be seeing GI about her bowel issues.  Ms. Diane and Dr. McLean are at a loss to what is going on with her.  She is only functioning when on the miralax.  We have tried to get her off of it several times with no success.  Everything else in her diet, activity level, health looks great and we can't come up with any explanations.  Diane called GI to get an appointment with the doctor they like.  He couldn't see her until the end of March.  They said she can't wait that long.  So on to plan B.  They did get an appointment with the PA in GI that they are comfortable with.  So she will see her and after we talk and she checks her she will consult with the doctor (who is in clinic tomorrow), so we worked around it.

In the afternoon she goes back to see Dr. Pranikoff, the surgeon who removed her kidney, tumor and put in her port.  He will do her pre-op appointment for port removal.  I still can't believe we are at that point! It could come out as early as next week.  We have to make sure GI won't need it for anything they want to do.  Please pray for wisdom tomorrow in making all these decisions.  Once her port is out so many freedoms will return.  We won't have to be so careful about germs and fevers.  Getting sick will be normal and not a medical emergency. We are on the edge of another big step in this journey.  Tomorrow we should have more of a plan...

Another Snow Day, Really?!

I can't believe we are playing in the snow for another day.  I love it! And the weather has been perfect for it- so warm and sunny.  Today we spent 4 hours in the backyard throwing snow balls, swinging, playing with the neighbors, sliding, snow painting, and building.  Today it was a snow fort...

 

One of the best things about snow is the fun workout you get.  Shoveling and hauling all this snow across the yard is some great strength and cardio.  Give me snow over Jillian any day! 

If you look closely you can see the snowmen from yesterday.  The kids tackled them and then we used the snowballs to make our walls higher, poor snowmen. Is that wrong?

  

We all had a really great time.  There's nothing better than a day when you can all just play like kids.  I still can't believe how much snow we have and how long it has lasted.  Now they are forecasting another snowstorm for the end of this week.  Could it really be?