Breakthrough

We had a bit of a breakthrough with Carter recently.

Let me start off by saying we have been blessed with very compliant children.  They tend to be mature, responsible, and compassionate (most of the time).  We do not struggle with major discipline issues.  Carter has always been a rule follower and truly desires to please us and do the right thing.  He is generally positive and pretty level and rational about his emotions.  So much so that when I talk about him "losing it" people tend to doubt I'm serious.  But with Carter, out of control means just that, out-of-con-trol.  It tends to be fueled by hunger, fatigue, stress, or exhaustion.  The trigger is usually minor but he loses it for hours, unable to get it together and we cannot soothe him.

This happened on a recent evening.  We had eaten dinner early and were enjoying some quiet family time.  Billy suggested surprising them with a trip for ice cream.  They had been asking us for awhile, but it is so hard to justify when you pay the same price for one cone as a whole container at the grocery store! So we decided to go ahead and do it.

When we went to leave Carter started asking for something else to play with in the car.  We asked him kindly to stop.  When he didn't we gave him a final warning and told him to get in the car.  He pushed his luck.  We stood our ground and he stayed home with me, while Daddy took JuJu for ice cream.  He was a screaming heap on the floor.

It was one of those moments I really needed to stop and think or this was going to escalate into the ugly range. And then it would likely be my fault for reacting out of anger and impatience.  I took a moment, prayed, and decided not to get emotional.  I kept my cool, validated his feelings quietly when he wailed them with passion down to his toes.  After a few minutes he realized we weren't budging.  He continued to wail and I continued to clean the kitchen.  About ten minutes later he suddenly stopped making noise and was sitting at the craft table in our kitchen.  He had filled a small cup with water, gotten out the paint,s and pulled out a large piece of paper. Hmm.  He asked me how to spell dumb.  I told him and continued to wash dishes.

He finished painting.... 

...sat back and looked at it for a moment.  I could read it from where I was, but didn't say a word.  Then he balled it up and threw it in the trash and walked over to where I was standing.  "Mom, do you want to play a game?"

I couldn't have been more proud! I know, that sounds absolutely crazy.  I am proud of him for regaining his composure in his own, identifying and expressing his feelings in an acceptable form, and finding a way to move past it.  Yay, Carter! I know you don't always like the rules we enforce, but I'm proud of you for realizing we mean it and aren't backing down.  I'm sure it's not the last time you'll think I'm dumb, but I hope you always remember how much I love you.

It was a good lesson for me, too.  I realized that you are listening to our words of wisdom.  You are not the type to immediately concede and calm down, but the words are sinking in.  You don't like to sit around talking about emotional topics, but you remember everything we say.  I need to remember to speak the truth calmly with you and then just let it go.

I saw this very thing happen again today.  Last night, as we were brushing everyone's teeth before bed, you started complaining about something not being fair.  I mentioned that life didn't work that way and nothing was ever going to be equal and fair. But this is not the end for us.  Our reward is in heaven, not on earth and all of this will just fade away.  Nothing more was said and everyone went to bed.

Today we were playing at a friend's house.  As you all played upstairs there was some disagreement about whose turn it was with different dress-up items.  Then I heard you say, "We can't always get what we want and be first.  This isn't our reward anyway.  We have to wait till heaven for that."  Always listening...

Token Time

The kids have so many fun things to do that involve screen time- DVDs, Tivo, Wii, computer games, iPod touch games, etc.  There is so much great stuff available, it is easy to lose track of all the technology.  We have worked hard to wean Julia off of TV after her chemo days.  With winter dragging on and the amount of time we spend at home, I wanted an easy way to regulate how much they were watching.  We made these after an idea from Kelley...

It was very simple to do.  We used foam door hangers, a bag of magnets from WalMart (they are self-adhesive) and I let the kids each paint 4 wooden shapes.  Paint, peel, and stick and we were ready to go.  Each token is for 30 min of screen time.  (Computer time assigned by mom during school doesn't count.)  They cannot earn additional tokens.  At this point we do not take away their tokens as a consequence, but I could see that potentially being used in the future. 

Initially I imagined this was going to be one more thing for me to keep up with, but at least I wouldn't have to remember in my head.  I was completely wrong.  The kids both monitor themselves independently.  They didn't resist the new rules at all.  I was reminded how well they respond to structured limits.  Everyone knows the rules and there is no need to debate.  The best part is it has made them more discriminating in their choices and helped them with time management.  They now plan ahead for shows they may want to watch later or a game they want to play with Daddy in the evenings.  At night they put their tokens back. We have been impressed by their maturity.

It has also led to an interesting addition.  Occasionally we want to have a family movie night or watch a sporting event on TV (basketball, Olympics, etc.)  For these circumstances we offer them "TV grace".  It has helped them to understand what grace means.  It's not something they can ask us for.  It's not something they can earn or deserve.  It must be given as a gift and received humbly.

House Rules

We have been working on getting our house rules complete and posted for some time. As I was revising and making sure we didn't want to add/omit anything I came across this post by Jennefer at Smooth Stones Academy. She encouraged others to use it and I encourage you to check out her blog (especially if you're interested in home schooling or have a child on the autism spectrum).  She is a blessing and so creative! This is her post...


Here are our family's rules. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it. It needed to be something we could commit to memory, so yesterday I had the crazy idea of using an acronym as a mnemonic device.  I chose "GOLDEN RULE" because it is the umbrella rule that covers all others - including any I may have missed! I also wanted our rules to be Scripture based so the boys would understand as they got older that these were rooted in the truth of God's word and not simply arbitrary. These rules and the accompanying Scriptures (NIV) will be some of our first memory and copywork for this school year.


Give generously to others - sharing all I have: my toys, my time and my talents.

• Do not forget to do good and share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. - Hebrews13:16
  

Obey quickly and cheerfully.

• Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. - Ephesians 6:1

Look to the interests of others.

• In humility consider others better than yourselves...your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 2:3b, 5
  

Do my best at all times.

• Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31b
  

Exhibit self-control.

• For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. - Galatians 5:22-23
  

No matter what tell the truth.

• The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful. - Proverbs 12:22
  

Respect others by using good manners.

• Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. - 1Peter 2:17 

Use kind and calm words.

• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Proverbs 15:1
  

Listen to others.

• Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. - James 1:19
  

Evidence thankfulness by choosing gratitude.

• Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
• Do all things without complaining or arguing. - Philippians 2:14

The Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have them do to you for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:12

Falling Into a Routine

We've been having a good week.  Everyone is healthy which has been a huge blessing and the weather has been amazing.  The kids and I are trying to get back into a new rhythm.  Everything we used to know as normal was thrown out months ago and replaced by 'surgery normal', 'radiation normal', 'chemo normal', and 'hospital normal'.  Now we are entering into 'extended quarantine normal'.  Julia is feeling really good these days and the lingering chemo effects are fading with every new day.  Her mood has been positive and her overall attitude good.  We are so thankful to see her playing, jumping, dancing, and eating.  It's been a long time since she felt this good and we are very grateful.

So now everyone feels healthy, but we can't resume our normal activities.  I know Julia senses the transition because she keeps asking, "am I still sick?" Carter is back to asking daily where we are going and who he will see.  The answer is the same as its been for awhile.  "We're staying home and having fun together."  It just isn't worth the physical, emotional, and financial impact of exposing Julia to germs.  Whenever we have made an exception and attended an event or been around friends, Julia has landed in the hospital with a fever.  So for the next year (with her port) this is just life for us.  It will get better when the 'sick season' lifts.

And as if it weren't hard enough this has to be the year of the swine flu pandemic?! I try to look at it as a positive.  If we have to stay in and be careful anyway, it may as well be dual purpose.  We have had our seasonal flu shots, but not swine flu shots.  The oncologist is imperative that we get them, but doesn't have them.  Unfortunately with Julia none of us can get the flumist, so we begin the elusive quest.  I've been making the phone rounds with all the doctors' offices and health departments- no luck.  Our peds office has us on a list to get one if they ever come in, but it could be a while.     

I don't think I thought much about this stage of the process- when she wasn't in treatment and wasn't feeling bad- but we still have to stay home.  I've spent the week trying to refocus and change my mindset about all of it.  Trying not to feel like a one-man band.  It's tough living daily life without your friends.  That is a lifeline for me and makes me a better person, mom, wife, and friend.  It's by far one of the hardest things to live without.  I've been trying to get more quiet time with God lately and letting Him fill me up and guide my decisions.  I know the strength and wisdom we're after doesn't come from me.  I want it to come from God and have real purpose and His insight. 

I am still struggling with thyroid replacement meds since my thyroid removal last November.  That ride this past year has been enough by itself.  I am now at the point all the doctors are very happy with my levels, but I just don't feel myself and the fatigue is still bad.  So now we are tweaking the timing of the medicine.  I am hopeful this will work.  There is also another medicine we can try, but the supply is severely limited right now, so we'll try this first.

We are trying to find a new schedule to our lives.  Part of this involves going back to the drawing board.  The boundaries, expectations, routines, and discipline in this house have been an adventure ride the past few months, to say the least.  (We're at that point when we need Supernanny to walk in and post the new schedule on the wall.)  So now we start finding a new way to move forward.  When I think about it all it overwhelms me.  So we are trying to make small steps every day.  Some of my efforts have been successful, others went up in flames (only symbolically), but we press on.  Here's some of the fun we've been having...  

The little Marines have still been camping (in the playroom)...

And of course there's been baseball watching.  GO PHILLIES! Carter is elated his team is doing so well again.  I don't know what it is with him.  The first year he watched MLB he rooted for the Red Sox and they won the World Series.  Then his loyalties began to shift.  He still likes the Red Sox, but became fascinated by the Phillies (our family's team) and they won the World Series and continue to dominate.  he thinks this is the way it works now.  I'm excited for him to see his favorite players play hard and do well, but hopefully he realizes it's not so easy and they won't always win.  Julia's been getting in on the action, too.  She wants to catch with the glove like Carter and tries so hard.  After many attempts...

 

...she did it, twice :)

 

We've been trying to get out in the yard as much as we can.  The weather has been gorgeous and I know winter will be here before we know it.  But for now we are loving the sunshine and barefeet in the grass...

 

 

The kids love to jump in leaves, but our yard is a little lacking.  We did make a little pile and they happily jumped in it over and over...

 

Carter had his last game of the season tonight.  The weather was great and the kids played so well- both teams.  They brought out the best in each other and really pushed each other to play better.  Both coaches and both teams' parents were rooting for all the kids and their little faces just glowed.  We are sad to see it end.  After soccer/baseball/soccer, the winter season lacks a team sport for Carter.

I love the faces he makes when he plays...

Julia watched the game for awhile and had a snack then went off to wander.  She ended up playing in the dirt pile behind us.  The little princess in pink perched upon the dirt...

Walks, Water, and Whining

I have tried hard to make our days as joyful and enjoyable as I can. I am praying for God's constant guidance and direction in how we spend our time. We have been trying to get outside as much as we can. The double jogger has been a huge blessing. It keeps the kids shaded, comfortable, and isolated from each other.

I started running again this week, if for no other reason than a change of scenery. I've found I can get in an even better workout if I give the kids an ice cream cone and set out. At least I'm not eating the ice cream this way :)

We have been gardening and working in the yard to give everything a little 'tlc' from our recent absence. Julia is such a cute, little, eclectic gardener. This girl loves her dirt!
Our huge zucchini plants have finally yielded produce. I was starting to wonder what was up. The squash has been going strong for several weeks, but not a single zucchini. Apparently its been holding out because this one was huge! and yummy!
It is so nice to get lettuce right from our yard...
We've taken advantage of the overcast weather to spend as much time as we can outside. The kids really enjoyed 'painting' with water. There's just something magical about being handed a huge brush and a full bucket. Huck Finn anyone?
We also finger-painted. We reminisced how much Carter used to dislike this because of the mess. They both had a great time experimenting with color and shape. It was a great way to investigate mixing primary colors.
and textures with our play cars...

Then I decided to get really crafty and build a river with the kids out of foil. (No, I didn't come up with this one.) I found it on a great website I heard about on Facebook. Now we all have our moments of inspirations from time to time, but seriously this lady is just bursting with it! (And apparently a huge supply closet where she stashes her wares for craftiness.) When God was passing out creativity I think she was in line 10 times!! You have to check it out to believe it. I kept going back to read older posts and I think my jaw was on the floor by the 4th page.

We took a 25ft roll of aluminum foil and unrolled it. (Note, your kids will then argue about who gets to play with the cardboard roll at the end. Don't say I didn't warn you!) Then fold and bend up the sides to make walls. Fold and reinforce the end by doubling over the foil. In retrospect you can definitely make a shorter run and it still works. If you want to double the foil to reinforce, you must double the entire length or the water will seep under and get out.

Then turn a hose on gently and let it fill. We used plastic bottle caps as boats and the kids put rocks, from their collection, in the river bed to change the flow.

Then we played with sidewalk chalk. To make it more interesting, give the kids water buckets and paintbrush to paint their drwaings. It will intensify and blend the colors like watercolors.
Then they wanted to make parking spaces for their bikes and trikes. They set to measuring the spots and drawing the lines and did a great job. Then Carter said they needed two wheelchair spaces and two stroller spaces in their lot- too funny. I helped with the drawings and they colored them. It was so cute to watch them park their 'cars'.

We also made it to the farmer's market. It's amazing what $20 worth of homegrown (except the lemons and asparagus) produce can do to lift everyone's spirits....
Julia has been doing well. She is having a lot of bone and jaw pain, but is tolerating it well. She is still eating and sleeping well. She had actually gained 3 pounds at her last appointment (in less than a month!) Her tastes continue to be unpredictable, but she is self-managing well. Today it was lots of peaches, pancakes, and hard-boiled eggs- whatever works for her.

Carter is feeling better. He is still catching up on rest, but has been his normal self most days. We are now struggling with discipline. He is tired of the quarantine and minimal contact and is taking out his frustrations on everyone. Combine that with five year old independence and a three year old who wants to do everything herself, but can't and you get a lot of whining, correction, and conflict. We've dug in and our ready for battle, but it is tough. Billy and I looked at each other many times today and had to just (secretly) laugh at the craziness- to keep our sanity. Please pray for our strength, endurance, and God's wisdom in molding our children's hearts and not just their behavior. We don't strive for merely obedience, we want character. Parenting experts say you have to choose your battles wisely and pick the hills you're willing to die on. We're on one of those hills right now and man, is Carter determined! Now if we can just mold that into a Godly virtue...

Getting Back in the Swing

Wednesday was our first real break from the hospital in a month. We are happy to have made it through and are looking forward to some normalcy around here. Carter and I had a long day as we both found our roles again. Mine involves taking back the power and his giving it up. Both were tough yesterday.

He is a bright kid and a typical oldest child. He likes to run the show and I'm sure will make a fabulous camp director/referee/CEO/umpire/commanding officer/coach (maybe all of the above) one day, but for know he needs to master being five. He's the type of kid who always needs to have the last word and we have had to really working on 'obedience first, discussion later'. We had made great progress and hopefully he will remember soon. We are also getting back into schoolwork. Julia was very excited, Carter not so much; but we've been here before and he comes around after the battle is over.

We made it through the day (it felt SO long, but we were both still alive at the end). I was talking to him in bed after we said his prayers. I said 'Carter, I really hope tomorrow goes a lot more smoothly. I don't like when I have to get upset and discipline you so much.' He said, 'I don't like it either. I don't know why you do it so much. I hear what you say, but in my head I hear myself wanting to do something else and I listen to that.' Bingo. That would be our problem.

Our church's focus this year is simple obedience. Isn't that truly what we all struggle with?! The Christian life is not difficult to understand. We often complicate it or convince ourselves we can't do it, but we can (with God's grace) if we just go back to the basics. How often to we struggle and strive to do things our way and wonder why its not working? I looked at Carter so many times yesterday and thought, 'Why don't you just obey? This would be so much easier!' How many millions of times a day do you think that very thought goes through God's head when he looks at us? He has given us the perfect plan for how to live in the Bible, clearly laid it out, put it in writing; yet we all have better ideas of how, when or why we should do things. I guess we all need to learn the same lesson. Simply obey first and discuss it later.

Well fortunately today was much better. We actually went somewhere....with people!!! Our playgroup took advantage of the cool spring weather and headed to the zoo! 8 moms, 17 kids, and a caravan of strollers. We were a sight! We had a great day though. Here's most of them...
The kids were all well-behaved and had a good time with each other. We saw the zebras, giraffes, chimps, gorillas, baboons, rhinos, and elephants.

The kids got to ride their favorite carousel after lunch. Julia has been talking about this for a long time...There was also lots of climbing in between which the kids really enjoyed.
It was such a treat for us to be with our friends again. Our playgroup has been meeting every Thursday for almost 5 years and today was the first time we've seen them all since March. It was a simple blessing that touched us all :) Thanks for all the memories and smiles guys! We've missed you!

On the way home I took Julia to the pediatrician because she's been holding her pee the past few days and having a lot of lower abdominal pain. They wanted to check her urine. Simple enough. We'll swing by on our way home. Well, it turns out the pain has gotten so bad, she doesn't want to go. We tried for 2 hours. Finally I told them to just catheterize her because we needed to get the results and get her treated. We got her ready and they couldn't get it because of her intense ability to hold it in. When they finally made contact, she exploded soaking two nurses, the wall, me, her, the table, and the floor. Fortunately the sweet, seasoned nurse got the cap off the tube with one hand and caught what she needed in mid-air, while getting a shower! Now that's talent! After everyone changed their clothes, they started her back on bactrim. We're guessing the infection was caused by Monday's VCUG cathing. We pray now for quick pain relief and complete healing before she starts her stronger chemo drug on Monday. And I thought we'd go all day without seeing a doctor for once, guess that's our goal for May :)

Everything's Under Control

I went upstairs the other day and this is what I found in Carter's room....Apparently, the Marines have landed on the Island of Sodor. You can rest at ease they have everything under control.......

Well, speaking of control. On Friday I was reminded that I have very little.

I think as parents we have this illusion that we can control our kids behavior, especially when they're young and can be moved and removed at our whim. When in all truth we are influencing their behavior, but not controlling it. They choose the behavior, we only choose the consequences. This became blazingly obvious at Carter's 5 year well-check last Friday. He is very familiar with doctor's and what happens there. He knew he was getting a shot, but not too upset about it. He actually loves having his blood drawn and watching the blood go up the tube.

The nurse comes in to start the appointment with his hearing test and he refuses. She took the time to explain it to him, encourage him- no luck. Now note that this kid has had 3 ear surgeries. He's had a dozen hearing tests, no biggy, he thinks its like playing a game. Well not today. We gave him the stern, "You must cooperate." No luck. We made three trips to the bathroom for a talking to and loss of privileges and still nothing. (And you can't spank them with the doctor standing right outside the bathroom door.) He finally did do it, barely. And things just got worse. He refused to open his mouth, take deep breaths, touch his toes, lay on the table. By this point he is pretty much restricted from everything except eating and sleeping. Even the doctor was shocked and told him he was not getting a sticker or goody bag (everyone does). I was waiting for the floor to open up and just swallow me. We were at an absolute loss and never saw this coming. He has never acted this way. In fact I have never had a child act this way. I have taken dozens of children to over 200 appointments, of all kinds, and I have never had a child act this way. So what would you do?

It was a long drive home. I couldn't help but feel defeated and a failure as the tears rolled down my cheeks. What could I have done differently? It just drove home for me how little we can actually control.

The next morning Carter had another appointment for an eye recheck. This time, absolute angel. Did everything the doctor asked, used all his manners, and was as pleasant as could be. I couldn't believe it was the same kid less than 24 hours later.

So I guess we all have bad days sometimes, I sure have. We all just hope no one sees them, but sometimes it's bound to happen with our kids, and with ourselves.

Well, Monday is off to the dentist with both kids, so wish us luck :)

We Need a Plan

I know the truth in my head. If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there? If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Every ship needs a course. Choose your paths wisely. etc, etc. It's all true. Parenting definitely falls into all these categories.

We've been going a long without too many parenting speed bumps (dangerous, right? here it comes). For the most part our parenting lives have been relatively easy. Our kids are generally compliant, agreeable, cooperative. Carter's biggest hurdle these days is talking back- he always has something to add. We're working on it though. Julia has literally just coasted from babyhood, to toddlerhood, to preschooler with hardly a tear or 'no'. She's famous for saying, 'okay mommy' (to the envy of many).

This week something changed. I swear I'm wearing a sign that says don't listen to me. Julia screams "NO!!!" even at the things she wants to do and carter is unphased by time out, spanking, discussions, and loss of privileges. What gives? It was getting almost comical. Even Billy said, I don't understand why they're doing this to you?

After a drawn out discussion with Carter over putting away the silverware with a joyful spirit, we got into to talking about work before play and rights and privileges. As I prayed about it later I remembered a documentary I had seen on the Dilley family who raised and homeschooled sextuplets. They had a 'Dilley Discipline' ladder on their kitchen wall with 10 steps- the top being full privileges, the bottom chores and thinking time only. Each step had pre-determined privileges and punishments determined by the family, such as friends over, TV, games, family outings, workbooks only, stay in your room, etc. That way when someone needed discipline, no discussion was needed, just move your peg (each child was a different color) X number of steps. And the parents don't have to remember who at which level at all times. It hit me that we are getting into this realm now. As we work on deciding what ours will look like I decided to go back to the teacher's staple- the traffic light (Thanks for the reminder Bekah!) where you simply move your clothespin. I told Carter about this the next morning and even though I'm just getting around to making it (3 days later) it has worked like a charm! He has not needed to move his (hypothetically speaking) in 3 days, though he has put Julia on yellow light twice :)

So, once again I've discovered what I know is true- our ship needs a course and our kids need a plan. They need to know we're watching all day everyday and what they say and do matters. Even if it takes a while to roll it out, just our intention has made things much sunnier around here.