In the Hot Seat

Carter is definitely my thinker and analyzer.  This kid never shuts his brain off and has a memory like a steel trap.  Lately he has been on a question-asking kick.  It really kicks in when we're driving.  I feel like I'm on trial some days! He shoots them out in rapid-fire succession.  This was his side of the script from one 3-mile stretch of road the other day...
 

What are they building over there? 

Why are all the trucks here, but not working?

What are they trying to do to it?

Why?

Why?

So then what are they doing now?

How many miles from the sun is Mars?

If you are a teacher, why don't you know?

Why?

Then what do you know?

Tell me.

What would happen if a car went off the exit ramp?

How much does a truck weigh?

Why don't fire trucks and ambulances just stay together?

Where are all the EMS dispatch stations?

Why do they call it Happy Harbor?

How do they now it's a harbor and not a bay?

What's the difference?

Who says?
Is Britain still one of our allies?
Who are all our other allies?
Then who are our enemies?
What are all their names?
Why does the SR-71 have special plates on the outside?
What are all the types of ordnance it uses?

What is the temperature on Venus?

Why don't you know that either?

I feel bad, but there are times I have to close up shop and put up the "gone to lunch" sign.  He's giving my mommy brain cells quite a workout! I'm going to have to start studying more!

I Corinthians 13 for Mothers

by Jim Fowler

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,
but have not love,
I am a housekeeper, not a homemaker.

If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements,
but have not love,
my children learn cleanliness, not godliness.

If I scream at my children for every infraction, and fault them for every mess they make,
but have not love,
my children become people-pleasers, not obedient children.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child’s laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.
Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.
Love accepts the fact that I am the ever-present “mommy,” the taxi-driver to every childhood event, the counselor when my children fail or are hurt.
Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, and runs with the child, then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.
Now I glory in God’s perfection of my child.

All the projections I had for my house and my children
have faded away into insignificance and what remain are the memories of my kids.
Now there abides in my home scratches on most of the furniture, dishes with missing place settings, and bedroom walls full of stickers, posters and markings,

But the greatest of all is the Love that permeates my relationships with my children.

Prayers for our Children...

Thank you, John Piper, for this wonderful list to use when praying for our children.  It so succinctly summarizes our deepest desires and hope for each of them.  I love to keep these tucked safely in my Bible for quiet time prayers.  Sometimes I hang them up above the sink, on the mirror, or in the laundry room where I can spend my working time in prayer...


That Jesus will call them and no one will hinder them from coming.

Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-15)

That they will respond in faith to Jesus’ faithful, persistent call.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)

That they will experience sanctification through the transforming work of the Holy Spirit and will increasingly desire to fulfill the greatest commandments.

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39)

That they will not be unequally yoked in intimate relationships, especially marriage.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

That their thoughts will be pure.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

That their hearts will be stirred to give generously to the Lord's work.

All the men and women, the people of Israel, whose heart moved them to bring anything for the work that the Lord had commanded by Moses to be done brought it as a freewill offering to the Lord. (Exodus 35:29)

That when the time is right, they will GO!

And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)

The Mother Load... moments of holy in the midst of the messy, mundane, and chaos.

Do you ever have one of those days when it hits you so fully that you are indeed a mother?

For some it's the first time they hold their child, or the first time they quiet their crying baby, or the first "mama", or the first time they are puked on.


For others it's on an ordinary day with a car full of kids in car seats and a full agenda.

I had one of those days recently. It went something like this..

6:30am   Wake to discover the cat's accidents on carpet and clean up mess.

6:40am   Morning quiet time. I love ending with daily readings from "Jesus Calling"

7:00am   Joined by little feet needing morning cuddles.

7:10am   Start a load of laundry. Shower while kids get dressed and bring all their concerns, issues, and disagreements to me to solve in the shower.

7:30am   Pack lunches, make breakfast, and put dinner in the cooler to drop off to friends later.

7:35am   Clean Carter's ear and face from ear tube drainage overnight.  Note to self: Call ENT!

7:40am   Pack car for VBS, picnic lunch, Safety Town, doctor's appts, play dates, and library.

7:55am   Dozen or so trips from car to house later, switch laundry, and pull out of driveway. Drink breakfast smoothie in the car. Forgot coffee :(

8:00am   Arrive at church, haul in all our bins and bags, and set up for today's games at VBS. Pass off meal for someone else to drop off. (Thank you!!)

8:15am   Change Julia pants. First accident of the day.

8:20am   Greet preschoolers and head to worship rally.

8:30am   Sneak out to make appt with ENT for Carter

8:40am   Awesome friend delivers my favorite Starbucks coffee to VBS!! Enjoy sweet time of worship with 487 kids.

8:50am   First group of VBS kids in games: 12 kids, 3 games, one potty break, 3 runny noses, 1 time out... and repeat 4 more times.

9:30am   Snack time for 55. Pray, pass, pour, spill, wipe, wash, refill, repeat.

9:50am   Back to games to finish last 4 groups.

10:10am   Stop everything to sit down with a group of preschoolers who wanted to share how cancer has impacted their own lives. (They had heard me share Julia's cancer story in worship the day before.)

12:00pm   Deep breath. Quick bathroom break. Lots of smiles from the morning's activities. Boisterous goodbyes. Pick up Carter upstairs, Julia down the hall, pack up, and load car. Change Julia again.

12:15pm   Switch Julia's car seat for afternoon playdate. Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with car seats? Man I love them, but they are work! Pass her and her gear and head off to Safety Town.

12:35pm   Arrive at Safety Town. Picnic lunch on the lawn and finish daily homework for ST.

1:00pm   Check in Carter.

1:15pm   Stop at library to return books and pay fine. Whew, relief to not be a felon for a while :) Note to self: do not let the kids' persuasive talents convince meet to check out DVDs ever again. They are always late!

1:40pm   Stop at Target for new underwear for the kids.

1:55pm   Stop at Petsmart for more fish tank filters.

2:15pm   Grocery shop at Costco. Check voicemail and return phone calls.

2:45pm   Drop off cold food at Daddy's office for refrigeration.

3:00pm   Pick up Carter at Safety Town and head to ENT appt. Find out that he prayed to accept Christ today at VBS!! Brief conversation to be continued later...

3:30pm   See ENT. Carter has severe infection in his tubs and is pulsating fluid. Doc cleans and vacuums it out. I need one of those at home! I can think of all kinds of uses. He just took the bulb syringe up 20 notches!  Three prescriptions and a follow-up appt later and we're out the door.

3:50pm   Stop at shoe store. Carter has outgrown his sneakers-again! Find shoes, but none in his size. Head to next shoe store, same trouble. Why do my kids always seem to wear the most popular size in the county?!

4:35 pm   Pick up Julia. Give kids a snack. Change her again. Switch back car seats.

5:15pm Meet Daddy for "dollar tacos" to celebrate Carter's big decision today. Love that place! Delicious fresh food and can't beat the price.

6:00pm   Take Carter to get sneakers at third shoe store of the day. He needs them for tomorrow.

6:30pm   Stop to pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy.

6:50pm   Finally return home for the first time today and unload.

Does everyone else's car look this way at the end of a busy day?

7:05pm   Put away groceries, check the mail, switch the laundry, return phone calls, give the cat her medicine, make the kids a snack, water the garden, give them showers, give everyone their medicine and vitamins, brush teeth, read books, wrestle Carter's ear drops in, talk more about the meaning of salvation, say prayers, and tuck them in.

8:25pm   Whew! It's time to sit down for a quick breather. Time to plan the games for tomorrow's VBS, lay out clothes, finish laundry, catch up with hubby, work on Bible study, read blogs, return emails.

10:30pm   Crawl into bed for quiet time with God and sleep.

These are the days I realize, in every sense of the word, I am a mother. And as crazy as it all seems sometimes, there are so may moments in each and every day when God gives us a glimpse of the holy... in the midst of the messy, mundane, and chaotic.

I pray that I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to experience these daily. I pray I take the time daily, as many times as it takes, to center my thoughts on Him and find calm and peace in any storm. May I never be too busy to drop everything to turn my full attention to God's calling in the moment whether with my children, my husband, a friend, or a stranger. In all of the crazy busyness off the day, there were moments of pure worship, times of tender loving care for a child, laughs with friends, tough conversations with kids about cancer, sharing Biblical truth, and decisions made for Christ!

All of this on an "ordinary day". But that's just how God works. It's not something we orchestrate, prepare for or plan. It just happens.   And usually when we least expect it.

Father/Daughter Camping Trip

The last weekend in June, Daddy and Julia headed off for our church's annual camping trip for all the daddies and daughters.  She was so excited and has been looking forward to it for weeks.  She's never camped before, except for in our living room :)  She and Carter have been begging to go for quite a while now.  But you have to realize their idea of camping comes from NickJr and picture books.  We had a realistic conversation with them about the differences between the woods and home.  They both signed on.  We decided the church sponsored event with all her little friends was a great place to start.  Not to mention they do all the cooking for you :)  So the ladies were up first.

The morning they left, Julia was downright giddy! Such a happy pair...

I can't say it wasn't a little hard to send them off.  Julia has been my constant companion for the past 15 months and I can't say I don't feel a small hole when she's away.  But at the same time I am overjoyed that she is happy and healthy and able to participate in life again.  It is all so healing for her soul and encourages her independence again.

It was a nice break to spend some downtime hanging out with just Carter.  Those of you that know him can probably guess what that looked like.  We stayed in our pj's until the afternoon.  We watched documentaries on the Military Channel like Battle Rats: Iwo Jima. I have to say it was all very intriguing.  They really do a great job with these shows and more importantly Carter is learning what honor, duty, and sacrifice truly mean.  It is easy for little boys to be attracted to battle, weapons, and vehicles; but he is really getting the bigger picture. We played Battleship and LIFE. We organized our military gear.  We read books about sea warfare, naval history, military helicopters, etc. We ate random snacks.  And we finished off the day with swimming, friends, and yummy Mexican food. We had a really good time.

Off in the woods, they were setting up camp.  Julia couldn't wait to sleep in a real tent...

The fun started as soon as they arrived at camp.  The girls found a huge fuzzy caterpillar to play with...

I love these faces.  All the wonder and curiosity of three little animal lovers...

Thankfully they had a beautiful, sunny weekend to enjoy all the fun activities, like boating...

and swimming in the lake.  I love these faces! These two are like peas in a pod and they were having a blast...

In the woods there are always piles of leaves just begging to be jumped in...

Here's a shot of all the girls- big and little- heading off to play.  Such a sweet sight...

Dinner was spaghetti, smores, and homemade ice cream.  No complaints from this hungry little camper...

Followed by a rousing game of duck-duck-goose...

Then it was time to hit the hay...

They had a wonderful time together and everyone came home smiling and full of stories and happy memories.  They're already looking forward to next year! 

Breakthrough

We had a bit of a breakthrough with Carter recently.

Let me start off by saying we have been blessed with very compliant children.  They tend to be mature, responsible, and compassionate (most of the time).  We do not struggle with major discipline issues.  Carter has always been a rule follower and truly desires to please us and do the right thing.  He is generally positive and pretty level and rational about his emotions.  So much so that when I talk about him "losing it" people tend to doubt I'm serious.  But with Carter, out of control means just that, out-of-con-trol.  It tends to be fueled by hunger, fatigue, stress, or exhaustion.  The trigger is usually minor but he loses it for hours, unable to get it together and we cannot soothe him.

This happened on a recent evening.  We had eaten dinner early and were enjoying some quiet family time.  Billy suggested surprising them with a trip for ice cream.  They had been asking us for awhile, but it is so hard to justify when you pay the same price for one cone as a whole container at the grocery store! So we decided to go ahead and do it.

When we went to leave Carter started asking for something else to play with in the car.  We asked him kindly to stop.  When he didn't we gave him a final warning and told him to get in the car.  He pushed his luck.  We stood our ground and he stayed home with me, while Daddy took JuJu for ice cream.  He was a screaming heap on the floor.

It was one of those moments I really needed to stop and think or this was going to escalate into the ugly range. And then it would likely be my fault for reacting out of anger and impatience.  I took a moment, prayed, and decided not to get emotional.  I kept my cool, validated his feelings quietly when he wailed them with passion down to his toes.  After a few minutes he realized we weren't budging.  He continued to wail and I continued to clean the kitchen.  About ten minutes later he suddenly stopped making noise and was sitting at the craft table in our kitchen.  He had filled a small cup with water, gotten out the paint,s and pulled out a large piece of paper. Hmm.  He asked me how to spell dumb.  I told him and continued to wash dishes.

He finished painting.... 

...sat back and looked at it for a moment.  I could read it from where I was, but didn't say a word.  Then he balled it up and threw it in the trash and walked over to where I was standing.  "Mom, do you want to play a game?"

I couldn't have been more proud! I know, that sounds absolutely crazy.  I am proud of him for regaining his composure in his own, identifying and expressing his feelings in an acceptable form, and finding a way to move past it.  Yay, Carter! I know you don't always like the rules we enforce, but I'm proud of you for realizing we mean it and aren't backing down.  I'm sure it's not the last time you'll think I'm dumb, but I hope you always remember how much I love you.

It was a good lesson for me, too.  I realized that you are listening to our words of wisdom.  You are not the type to immediately concede and calm down, but the words are sinking in.  You don't like to sit around talking about emotional topics, but you remember everything we say.  I need to remember to speak the truth calmly with you and then just let it go.

I saw this very thing happen again today.  Last night, as we were brushing everyone's teeth before bed, you started complaining about something not being fair.  I mentioned that life didn't work that way and nothing was ever going to be equal and fair. But this is not the end for us.  Our reward is in heaven, not on earth and all of this will just fade away.  Nothing more was said and everyone went to bed.

Today we were playing at a friend's house.  As you all played upstairs there was some disagreement about whose turn it was with different dress-up items.  Then I heard you say, "We can't always get what we want and be first.  This isn't our reward anyway.  We have to wait till heaven for that."  Always listening...

Letter to Myself

We had a family speak in our Sunday School class last month.  The father was sharing his family's difficult journey over the past few years.  They are a Christian family with three teen/college-age children whom attend a private Christian school- all active in sports, church, and extracurricular activities.  Life seemed to be going along great.

When the oldest was a high school sophomore, she had a resume that would make any parent beam and everything in the world going for her.  Midway through the school year, she found herself extremely depressed, overwhelmed, struggling with an eating disorder, and having suicidal thoughts.  It caught everyone in their household by surprise.  Even she was shocked by what she was feeling and experiencing.  Her struggle lasted for many months  She missed the second half of the school year, while she fought for her life.  After their father spoke, both daughters candidly shared their experiences, fears, worries, stresses, and perceptions of life and their parents.

Hearing their hearts really took me back to those crazy years of high school.  It is one of the best times of life, but also full of stress and struggles.  As an over-achiever and strong student high school was one big deadline.  I loved all the sports, activities, performing arts, community service, and classroom challenges.  I was in a highly competitive high school in northern VA, outside of DC.  It was a pressure cooker.  I have never worked so hard in my life or gotten so little sleep.  As crazy at it all was I have some many amazing memories of all the activities, competitions, friendships, teachers, and experiences.  I was successful by so many worldly standards, but was it best?

As I listened to the girls sharing, so many thoughts and emotions were swirling in my mind.  I could so relate to what they went through and it really made me think about the future for our kids.  Is this what I wanted for them?  If not, what did I want? What does God want for them? I decided to write a letter to myself while they're young, before I forget what I've learned...


Dear Me in 10 years,


Life with teenagers is very busy, I imagine.  There is more to accomplish than the hours of a day, week, or month allow.  It is hard to believe they are so grown up.  Soon they will be spreading their wings and finding their own way in this world.  Where did the time go? As we parent them now, I want my role to be shifting.  We are no longer in the driver's seat of their lives.  They are at the wheel.  We are still in the car for a few years, but they must learn to navigate and react independently.


As parents, it is our responsibility to help bind our kids hearts before they leave home.  From the very moment they are born their journey towards independence begins, one small step at a time.  We are raising them to leave us and thrive on their own.  As we detach their connections and utter dependency on us, what are we binding their hearts to? Are we binding them to the world? How do we choose what to expose them to and encourage? What is permissible? What is not? Do we focus on grades, activities, competitions, sporting events, test scores, class ranking, and college admissions? Do we praise them for appearances and great finishes? Are we comparing them to their peers to see how they measure up? Are we teaching them that performance matters first? Or are we binding their hearts to God?


By this point we have (hopefully) taught them how to succeed and encouraged them in developing their God-given gifts.  We have exposed them to opportunities and experiences to grow their hearts and minds.  We have (hopefully) discipled and encouraged them to pursue the Christian faith for themselves.  But.... I pray we are also teaching them how to fail.  Sounds crazy, but I want them to know what to do when they do not succeed, when the outcome is out of their hands.  I want them to know what to do when they make mistakes and let down the people they love.  I want them to know what to do when they let God down.  When they make mistakes and the consequences are painful.  

I pray our home is a haven for grace.  I want to be a safe place for them to escape from the pressures of life and society.  The world demands SO much of self-motivated, academic, and driven youth.  I want them to know their real purpose in this world. God has a special assignment for each one of us.  A task that we have been designed to complete that will bring Him glory.  A unique piece in His eternal plan.

Ten years from now, as we are preparing to send them into the world, I pray they are flying under their Father's loving gaze, with His voice in their ears, His love in their hearts, His strength under their wings, and His path gleaming in their eyes.  I pray they are filled with true HOPE and an understanding of what it means to hold the faith.  As they prepare to journey through the world on their own path, I pray they have the strength to live in this world but not of it.  

Don't give up.  Don't get discouraged.  Speak words of praise into them.  Lead by example, not always in words.  Never hesitate to apologize and ask forgiveness.  Seek God's wisdom in all things.  Pray for them earnestly and continuously.  Give them over to Him daily.


Love,
me, mom to two preschoolers

A Simple Walk

I took the kids for a walk the other night before dinner.  They love to pick flowers and there are so many beautiful colors to see right now...

I like when we have the chance to wander at their pace without a destination or time limit.  I was expecting a simple walk, but we got much more.

As we neared the main road, Carter wanted to pick up some of the litter on the grass.  We did not have a trash bag with us so I told him we would come back when we did.  As he passed the piles of discarded cigarettes and wrappers he commented that those were bad and made people sick.  They can even cause cancer.  This kid remembers everything he hears and sees.

We walked on a few more blocks and he looked up at me and said, "So mom what did we do to cause Julia's cancer?"

It stopped me in my tracks.  We talked about how pediatric cancer works and that nobody causes it.  God allows things like this to happen for a reason and for His glory.  We don't understand, but we trust God to take care of us.  He seemed satisfied with my answer and immediately launched into his 'Julia status update'.  He sounds like a doctor giving report on rounds.  He goes through her cancer diagnosis, her completed treatment, port removal, scan schedule, and most recent labs in the same way he would tell you about his baseball cards.  It still shakes me that this is his reality.  It also hit me just how much this is still weighing on his mind.  We've decided to go ahead with counseling for him to help him continue to process this experience.  I don't want there to be lingering questions or fears in his mind.  I know we are not trained in drawing that information out and as his parents it gets complicated.  We hope this will give him a chance to continue to work through it all.

As we continue to talk we always get to the end when he asks, what happens if it comes back.  I hate answering that question.  I don't have trouble with what to say, I just hate that I can't give them any definite reassurance.  We all want to protect our kids from the pain in this world.  In the pediatric cancer world that just isn't possible.  The child with the cancer will experience direct pain and suffering that can not be taken away or avoided.  The siblings face a different kind of pain through worry, change, upheaval, empathy, jealousy, and guilt.  And through it all their innocence is lost at a young age.  They learn about the realities of cancer, suffering, and death.  Other children we have walked this road with have relapsed and several have earned their angel wings.  This is our reality and we cannot protect them from it.  Their minds and hearts have had do deal with things no child should have to know.  I trust that God has a bigger plan and He is tenderly shaping them both for what He has planned for them...

But as I we rounded the corner and I watched them take off for the house, I couldn't help but wish for simpler times... the days when they talked of the dandelions clutched in their hands and not the realities of cancer.

Confession Time

I try to keep my words on this blog real and give a realistic picture of what we experience, but despite good intentions, it doesn't always happen.  It's just not human nature to regularly publish our failures, insecurities, weaknesses, and sins, but that doesn't make them any less real.  I have showed my sink full of dishes and messes on the floor, revealed my doubts and fears, and ranted a little.  I just feel this pressing need to shatter the image that it's possible to get it all together.  Here are some of the frustrations I struggle with on a regular basis...

• I like to take my time getting started in the mornings.  We are generally awake a good 1-2 hours before we get out of bed for the day.
• When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or sad- I yell.  It breaks my heart that I do and I feel convicted as soon as I do it and see the look in my kids faces, but I still yell.  I have also thrown things (never at the kids), slammed doors, and rolled my eyes.  Not the best role model.
• I am a people person and am energized by being around others.  When we don't get out, I slip very quickly into depression and become less available to my kids.  I then crave the social interaction and connection from emails, blogs, and facebook and ignore my children.  
• I do not regularly clean my house.  I do like to organize and have a touch of OCD that keeps things relatively neat.  However, clean is a whole other ballgame.  Aside from vacuuming, some lysol, and wiping counters, the rest is rare.
• I am a horrible procrastinator! But also a type A perfectionist and over-achiever.  I was already pulling all-nighters in middle school working on big projects and papers.  And it only got worse.  In college I could do a 3pg paper in an hour, 5pgs overnight and 20pgs in a weekend.  Unfortunately I am still the same way.  I do my best work under pressure and don't plan ahead well at all.  Sadly my desire to do things well, makes me not want to even attempt it if I can't give it my full attention.  I have left so many things undone.
• There are weeks we homeschool everyday and weeks we don't do even one day.  A consistent schedule has definitely not been our strong suit lately.
• I have found myself at times encouraging my kids to watch something on TV even if they were happily doing something else because I wanted a break or nap.
• At my best I exercise 3 times a week, but more often once every 3 weeks.  I'm optimistic it will improve when the weather gets warmer.  I really want to be able to wear all the clothes in my closet.
• I hate that it takes me forever to get back to people by email, phone, mail, etc.  It is not unusual to be weeks or months.  I think about it and often plan out everything I want to say, but my follow through stinks.  I am often late or miss special events because of my own disorganization.  There is no excuse.  Good intentions are not enough.
• I suffer from the same 'mommy guilt' every mom feels.  I really think it's the enemy's way of keeping us ineffective.  After all, when your home for long periods with lots of small children, you will falter... repeatedly.  We can't keep all these balls in the air.  At least one will always fall, sometimes more, sometimes all of them.  And we are all human.

So, take a deep breath.  Stop beating yourself up and don't be afraid to get real with those you meet.  I think our greatest gift to each other is transparency.  We all have such unique journeys and struggles to share.  That is the essence of out testimony.  All we have to do is be open with those around us.  There is no greater danger to our well-being as moms than comparing ourselves to one another especially when so many are putting up a false front.  If we all just let our guard down a little and kept it real, our burdens will get so much lighter.  I'm just a sinner saved by grace and thankful for His mercies, new every morning.  I pray I can encourage others to walk victoriously in His grace with our heads held high. 

(And this makes me feel much better and reminds me of my goal.)

Token Time

The kids have so many fun things to do that involve screen time- DVDs, Tivo, Wii, computer games, iPod touch games, etc.  There is so much great stuff available, it is easy to lose track of all the technology.  We have worked hard to wean Julia off of TV after her chemo days.  With winter dragging on and the amount of time we spend at home, I wanted an easy way to regulate how much they were watching.  We made these after an idea from Kelley...

It was very simple to do.  We used foam door hangers, a bag of magnets from WalMart (they are self-adhesive) and I let the kids each paint 4 wooden shapes.  Paint, peel, and stick and we were ready to go.  Each token is for 30 min of screen time.  (Computer time assigned by mom during school doesn't count.)  They cannot earn additional tokens.  At this point we do not take away their tokens as a consequence, but I could see that potentially being used in the future. 

Initially I imagined this was going to be one more thing for me to keep up with, but at least I wouldn't have to remember in my head.  I was completely wrong.  The kids both monitor themselves independently.  They didn't resist the new rules at all.  I was reminded how well they respond to structured limits.  Everyone knows the rules and there is no need to debate.  The best part is it has made them more discriminating in their choices and helped them with time management.  They now plan ahead for shows they may want to watch later or a game they want to play with Daddy in the evenings.  At night they put their tokens back. We have been impressed by their maturity.

It has also led to an interesting addition.  Occasionally we want to have a family movie night or watch a sporting event on TV (basketball, Olympics, etc.)  For these circumstances we offer them "TV grace".  It has helped them to understand what grace means.  It's not something they can ask us for.  It's not something they can earn or deserve.  It must be given as a gift and received humbly.

The Darkness is Creeping In

I don't know exactly when it started.......

Maybe with Carter getting the flu, with Julia's increase in her chemo dosages, with the loss of a Wilms' patient whose blog we follow. I hate that I can't remember her with hair. I look at pictures and my mind can't remember anymore. Her 'chimpanzee hair' has become normal to us. I hate not having a plan to our life. Everyday is an unknown and we have to choose based on Julia's condition (and now Carter's, too). I hate the lingering doubts we have when it comes to discipline under our circumstances. I hate wondering if we're doing enough to keep her safe. Is any of it enough?

.... probably somewhere in the middle of it all.

My mind and heart are wrestling with all the unknowns again. When Dr. McLean was reviewing her case with us yesterday. I was struck when he said, "but we still think her prognosis will be good". I don't let myself think about the variables very often, but they are still there- 40% of patients with anaplasia have a recurrence within two years, others down the road. There are around 20 kids diagnosed each year, the cancer will return in 8 of them within 2 years. Then there's the long term effects. Everything that we are doing to save her life comes at a cost of future cancers, infertility, sudden heart failure, liver damage, etc. When she received her blood transfusion, I had to sign a release that I understood there was a 1 in 200,000 chance of hepatitis, a 1 in 900,000 chance of HIV, etc. I don't like numbers anymore. Her chances of having this cancer were 1 in a million.

Nothing we do is safe anymore and I hate it, still. We can't focus on these things and I've found we don't. There are actually days having a child with cancer feels 'normal'. I know that sounds totally crazy, but it just takes over and replaces your life in totality that you forget where the old you ends and the new life began. But I've found we can't ignore it either because it is always there and will continue to come up. I have to find a place for it where the unknowns of the future can reside but our faith and trust in God is much bigger.

As we spend this week quarantined, it really hit home with me that we are living so much of our time waiting for things to be different. We are living in expectation of our life returning to something we recognize. We can't keep living this way. It isn't fair to anyone. This is our life, what we see right now. None of us are promised tomorrow and I don't want to live life waiting to start living. It's a subtle difference, but it's there.

This new life is so different from what we're all used to. We desperately miss our friends. Julia says daily, "Mommy, I need to see my friends." My heart is breaking for her. It is a void I can never fill. We miss feeling a part of our community going to the park, library, church, etc. We miss the schedule of our days and knowing what to expect. The rhythm and flow is completely absent. In my mind I am just waiting until it changes, but I can't keep living that way. We are missing the things we love about summer- the waterpark, the pool, playdates, amusement parks, cookouts with friends, and playgrounds. It is hard not to feel cheated. And then I feel guilty because I am SO thankful and grateful to God that both my children are here with us.

It really hit me when I was reading Pablo's blog, a 6yr old who lost his battle with Wilms on June 27th. He had good days and bad days and they made the most of them all. He was running around at the park with his friends feeling fine just one week before he took a turn and lost his battle. His family has no regrets for how they spent their time. I don't want to waste our days waiting. I want my kids to have good memories of this time we spent together during treatment. I want to know we did the best we could with all of it. I want our love to be enough, our care to be enough, the chemo to be enough...

Lord, give me the energy, enthusiasm, and strength I need to embrace this time in our lives. When fear creeps in, replace it with Your Truth. You have been faithful through every step of this process and we know You will never leave us. We know there will be suffering, but we are promised Your protection, provision, salvation, and love.

This world is not enough, but God- you are always enough.

Cathedral Builders

I'm sure many of you have read this before, but it touches my heart every time. It was performed as part of our Mother's Day service at church this morning by a blessed mom of five. These words inspire me on those days when I think no one really cares or I feel like a servant instead of a mom. It changes my focus and remember Whom I serve and I am privileged to do it for Him. I hope it brings you encouragement, too. Thank you to all my fellow Cathedral Builders who are walking this crazy road, we call motherhood, alongside me. I cherish you, thank God for you, and love you dearly! Happy Mother's Day!!

Invisible Moms

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?”
Obviously not. No one can see if I am on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I’m invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, “What time is it?” I’m a satellite guide to answer, “What number is the Disney Channel?” I’m a car to order, “Right around 5:30, please.” I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude–but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She’s going–she’s going–she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, “I brought you this.”

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: “To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.”

In the days ahead I would read–no, devour–the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

* No one can say who built the great cathedrals–we have no record of their names.
*These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
*They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
*The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, “Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.” And the workman replied, “Because God sees.”

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, “I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.”

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, “My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.” That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend to add, “You’re going to love it there.”

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

We have had a good day. The kids made me a yummy breakfast complete with gifts and cards. They were so eager and excited to do it. I can still here their little voices and see their beaming faces. We were all able to attend church together for the first time in a month. We enjoyed the perfect weather and spent lots of time outside and were treated to a gourmet meal cooked by Daddy. I am truly blessed. Julia goes back for chemo tomorrow morning at 9:30am. Please pray for a smooth visit, good counts, and minimal side effects. Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support!!

A Sense of Normal

Today has been a great day.

• We went to see the doctor- at his office, not the hospital- like normal people do.
• We did our schoolwork together upstairs.
• I am typing this to the sound of clanging play dishes, clicking play shoes, and little pretending voices. They have not played together in longer than I can remember.
• The TVs in our house have been off all day! This has been Julia's primary recovery and pain comfort and she doesn't need it today! I thought I'd be sick of Little Einsteins by now, but I actually like it and find the theme song oddly comforting because it has helped her so much. It is her 'happy place'. But thankfully it can rest today.
• My kids are making get well cards for others, instead of always receiving them. Wow.
• There are games of baseball being played in our living room. It is April after all.
• I couldn't figure out why the floors were such a mess. It honestly did not occur to me that I used to vacuum them every other day. Needless to say, it's been a while. I felt like a normal person.... vacuuming :)
  
• My house is a mess of toys and you can't see the floor because my kids were playing today :)
• Julia is napping and I am cuddling on the couch with Carter just like we used to do every afternoon.

Tomorrow's a new day and more chemo, but for today, we're relishing in the normal :)


(There are lots of new posts and pictures in the entries below, so keep reading down through Easter... )

Dear Diaper Dudes....

To the makers of Huggies and Pamper's products,

I am grateful for diapers and the ease and cleanliness they have brought to my life. It's been five years, two kids, and we're almost done :) (I don't really want to know how much I've spent, please.) You guys obviously know kids well and adorn your products with cute characters of all kinds. Carter loved his Cars pull-ups and Julia likes her Mickey diapers at bedtime, but you have made a serious oversight. The same way kids become obsessed with this characters, they become obsessed with 'certain' characters. With Carter is was the pull-ups with the piston cup trophies (who doesn't want the trophy?). He wanted only those at night (which is every other one). Some nights he would get up in the middle of the night and change a dry one, just for the picture! With Julia it's the Mickey and Minnie diapers, she does not want to wear the Pluto and Mickey ones. If it were up to them they would throw away half the package.

So please, pick one design and use it all the way through. You know kids are creatures of habit, that's why you make the designs in the first place. Save all us parents out there one more battle with our kids. We can use all the help we can get :)


Thank you.

Training Success

Julia has done a great job with potty training. I'm honestly shocked how easily she took to it.For the first few days whenever we were at home I left her pants off to make it easier for her. Carter decided to join her in a show of solidarity. Those two little bums are so cute...
Apparently all this training wears a girl out. She was one pooped princess.....
I can't believe how big she's getting. She'll be three before we know it! She wore her first ponytail last week and suddenly looked all grown up.....

We Need a Plan

I know the truth in my head. If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there? If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Every ship needs a course. Choose your paths wisely. etc, etc. It's all true. Parenting definitely falls into all these categories.

We've been going a long without too many parenting speed bumps (dangerous, right? here it comes). For the most part our parenting lives have been relatively easy. Our kids are generally compliant, agreeable, cooperative. Carter's biggest hurdle these days is talking back- he always has something to add. We're working on it though. Julia has literally just coasted from babyhood, to toddlerhood, to preschooler with hardly a tear or 'no'. She's famous for saying, 'okay mommy' (to the envy of many).

This week something changed. I swear I'm wearing a sign that says don't listen to me. Julia screams "NO!!!" even at the things she wants to do and carter is unphased by time out, spanking, discussions, and loss of privileges. What gives? It was getting almost comical. Even Billy said, I don't understand why they're doing this to you?

After a drawn out discussion with Carter over putting away the silverware with a joyful spirit, we got into to talking about work before play and rights and privileges. As I prayed about it later I remembered a documentary I had seen on the Dilley family who raised and homeschooled sextuplets. They had a 'Dilley Discipline' ladder on their kitchen wall with 10 steps- the top being full privileges, the bottom chores and thinking time only. Each step had pre-determined privileges and punishments determined by the family, such as friends over, TV, games, family outings, workbooks only, stay in your room, etc. That way when someone needed discipline, no discussion was needed, just move your peg (each child was a different color) X number of steps. And the parents don't have to remember who at which level at all times. It hit me that we are getting into this realm now. As we work on deciding what ours will look like I decided to go back to the teacher's staple- the traffic light (Thanks for the reminder Bekah!) where you simply move your clothespin. I told Carter about this the next morning and even though I'm just getting around to making it (3 days later) it has worked like a charm! He has not needed to move his (hypothetically speaking) in 3 days, though he has put Julia on yellow light twice :)

So, once again I've discovered what I know is true- our ship needs a course and our kids need a plan. They need to know we're watching all day everyday and what they say and do matters. Even if it takes a while to roll it out, just our intention has made things much sunnier around here.

Mommy Mules

Motherhood can be a lonely place sometimes, especially with young children, and especially as a stay-at-home mom. I feel like I have a good perspective ninety percent of the time and I'm blessed to have an amazing support network of sisters-in-Christ walking this same road.

But there are still those moments......

Wednesday mornings is Bible study and everyone in our house knows the drill. They are old enough that it should be pretty simple- dressed, fed, hair and teeth brushed, shoes and coat, and out the door. That's when it all goes wrong. Does anyone else have a time warp between their kitchen and driveway?! We were completely ready at 8:50, how did we not pull out of the driveway until 9:17?! It's insane!! When they were babies it was dirty diapers on the way out the door, extra long feeding sessions, change of clothes. Now it's phone calls, potty trips, lost items, extra helpings at breakfast (only on days we have to go of course), left behind bags, car seat adjustments, and random discussions/debates (Do we really have to do this right now?!). It boggles my mind sometimes just where that time goes. Thankfully my Bible study girls are there to say, we're glad you're here and we get it, now let's get down to business- thank you ladies.

We had a great morning and lunch afterwards at 'Chicken-Lay'. Let me just say we are a sight to behold- 5 moms and 10 kids huddled around two tables. We apologize to everyone around us, though today was mostly peaceful and the seniors around us seemed to appreciate our 'youthful energy' :)

As 1:00pm came and went we started spiraling out of control- pretty predictable. Like a well-oiled machine we all launched into our assorted trips to the potty, diaper changes, table and floor cleanups, last bites, sock and shoe hunts and we were ready to go. As I gazed through the glass into the play area, Julia had that look- when you know they're 'going'. We're still dabbling in potty-training and don't do it much away from home, especially wearing lots of layers. Today I took Carter to the bathroom carrying Mia (Shana's baby) and Julia wanted to come, too. While we're in there she announces she has to go to. You know how it goes- you can't say no. Now what do you do with the baby? Thanks to the nice mom in the bathroom who offered to hold her :) Julia did go-yay! and the diaper was now dirty, so I trashed it and just left her bare in jeans..... you see where I'm going with this. So now she's in the play area, going again.... in the jeans, yuck. So needless to say we had a mess to clean up when we got to the car.

So now we pull into the driveway, back home. Do all you mom's have this moment, too? You take a breath look around and don't even want to get out. Did we just cross the country? Every person at church needs their own bag, plus my bag with books, my purse, our snacks/drinks, the mail, our winter coats, my morning coffee mug, a mound of dirty smelly clothes, library books, the shoes Julia took off in the car, and the two bags from the store. I feel like a pack mule. I don't know what I would do if I could just turn off the car, grab my bag, and walk inside. And I had one of those mommy moments when I wondered if anyone else felt this way.

Well it turns out just a short distance away someone else was having the same thought and wrote this poem.......

One day my socks will match,

I won't be dragging through the door;
Carrying 15,000 things,
With someone handing me more.
Coats, bags, sippy cups, snacks and lunch;
Did I remember to bring their shoes?
I know they say these days go fast,
Don't want to wish away the coos,

...I just wonder how many brain cells I will lose.

by Lara

They say your true friends are those who know the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you forget the words and I embrace that sentiment wholeheartedly......

But sometimes your friends are the ones who hear the pandemonium in your heart and can sing along with every word :) (Thanks girl, I needed that!)

Prize for the Parents

With a house full of preschoolers, we deal a lot in sticker charts, positive praise, and rewards. Sometimes I've thought it would be nice if the parents had one, too. If you ever want a reality check ask your children what you should have a sticker chart for. Carter told me mine would be for "being nice" and Daddy's was for "not working in Florida" (apparently Carter didn't like the back-to-back work week trips). Point taken.
Anyway, Carter has been still wearing pull-ups at night which was no big deal to us. In October he announced he wasn't wearing them anymore. I told him that was great, BUT he had to stay dry 3 nights in a row. I hate changing washing, and replacing wet sheets- especially in the middle of the night- ranks right up there with being barfed on in my book. And sure enough, he did. Now my question, "Why have you been peeing in them every other night?" Not that I'm complaining. So, just like that we were done with pull-ups, yay! Now, what to do with the stockpile in the closet (we're coupon/deal shoppers). We decided to try and take them back to our local stuff-mart, who takes back anything, no questions asked and they gave us $40- bonus! So our reward? Two tickets to see David Crowder Band at our church in February! Awesome!! Sometimes there are rewards built in for the parents, too :)

Busted on a Technicality

Carter has several preferences when it comes to his clothes. If it were up to him he'd wear pajamas all day every day. He prefers soft t-shirts, sweat pants, boxer briefs, and ankle socks. This kid is comfort all the way. I'm still shocked and elated every time I get him in a tie and khakis.

Our church is very casual and pretty much anything goes. With Julia it's easy- she always wears a dress or a skirt. Carter and Daddy wear golf shirts with collars, should be simple. He recently started protesting about certain shirts and wanting to choose his own. We told him any shirt was fine as long as it had buttons. So what does he pick? His Marine Corps utilities... He got me.

What would you do?

Okay, it happened......

Cookie the caterpillar croaked.

It was moving around the first day and then progressively less. By day two, it wasn't moving at all. Then it turned completely black and is now totally flat- not good. It's definitely dead. So...what would you do? Carter eagerly checked on it every day to see what it was doing. Would you tell your kids OR do the age-old pet swap and sneak in the new Cookie under the cover of night?

We're going with plan B. Cookie is conveniently "visiting" Ms. Kim's house. When we pick him up he will be so rested and rejuvenated! (She's doing the swap for us.) Is this wrong? We struggled with it..........briefly. When we come face to face with death in our lives we did not intend to hide it from our kids. If it were a friend, family member, or our own cat we would tell them the truth, but for this time we want to spare them the heartache. This was a tough one for us because we don't shield our kids from consequences regularly. We feel strongly against it actually, but they didn't do anything wrong in this case- unless loving and befriending a little caterpillar is wrong?

I guess that's how life is. With all love there is risk. When we choose to give a piece of out heart away, anything can happen to it. For now I just want them to continue to love without abandon. I want to save their hearts from a few of life's scars to keep them tender and ready to share freely.

Farewell Cookie. Welcome Cookie II, I hope we watch you fly away one day!