Confession Time

I try to keep my words on this blog real and give a realistic picture of what we experience, but despite good intentions, it doesn't always happen.  It's just not human nature to regularly publish our failures, insecurities, weaknesses, and sins, but that doesn't make them any less real.  I have showed my sink full of dishes and messes on the floor, revealed my doubts and fears, and ranted a little.  I just feel this pressing need to shatter the image that it's possible to get it all together.  Here are some of the frustrations I struggle with on a regular basis...

• I like to take my time getting started in the mornings.  We are generally awake a good 1-2 hours before we get out of bed for the day.
• When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or sad- I yell.  It breaks my heart that I do and I feel convicted as soon as I do it and see the look in my kids faces, but I still yell.  I have also thrown things (never at the kids), slammed doors, and rolled my eyes.  Not the best role model.
• I am a people person and am energized by being around others.  When we don't get out, I slip very quickly into depression and become less available to my kids.  I then crave the social interaction and connection from emails, blogs, and facebook and ignore my children.  
• I do not regularly clean my house.  I do like to organize and have a touch of OCD that keeps things relatively neat.  However, clean is a whole other ballgame.  Aside from vacuuming, some lysol, and wiping counters, the rest is rare.
• I am a horrible procrastinator! But also a type A perfectionist and over-achiever.  I was already pulling all-nighters in middle school working on big projects and papers.  And it only got worse.  In college I could do a 3pg paper in an hour, 5pgs overnight and 20pgs in a weekend.  Unfortunately I am still the same way.  I do my best work under pressure and don't plan ahead well at all.  Sadly my desire to do things well, makes me not want to even attempt it if I can't give it my full attention.  I have left so many things undone.
• There are weeks we homeschool everyday and weeks we don't do even one day.  A consistent schedule has definitely not been our strong suit lately.
• I have found myself at times encouraging my kids to watch something on TV even if they were happily doing something else because I wanted a break or nap.
• At my best I exercise 3 times a week, but more often once every 3 weeks.  I'm optimistic it will improve when the weather gets warmer.  I really want to be able to wear all the clothes in my closet.
• I hate that it takes me forever to get back to people by email, phone, mail, etc.  It is not unusual to be weeks or months.  I think about it and often plan out everything I want to say, but my follow through stinks.  I am often late or miss special events because of my own disorganization.  There is no excuse.  Good intentions are not enough.
• I suffer from the same 'mommy guilt' every mom feels.  I really think it's the enemy's way of keeping us ineffective.  After all, when your home for long periods with lots of small children, you will falter... repeatedly.  We can't keep all these balls in the air.  At least one will always fall, sometimes more, sometimes all of them.  And we are all human.

So, take a deep breath.  Stop beating yourself up and don't be afraid to get real with those you meet.  I think our greatest gift to each other is transparency.  We all have such unique journeys and struggles to share.  That is the essence of out testimony.  All we have to do is be open with those around us.  There is no greater danger to our well-being as moms than comparing ourselves to one another especially when so many are putting up a false front.  If we all just let our guard down a little and kept it real, our burdens will get so much lighter.  I'm just a sinner saved by grace and thankful for His mercies, new every morning.  I pray I can encourage others to walk victoriously in His grace with our heads held high. 

(And this makes me feel much better and reminds me of my goal.)