Our Little Village People

I can never get enough of preschool performers.
To get a little peek into how those little minds work!

Retreat

It's impossible not to smile when you wake up to this every morning...

This was the view from the bed where I slept this weekend.  We were at the beach for our annual women's retreat with church.  This is a sight that will always stop me in my tracks.  The power, peace, grandeur, beauty, strength, and vastness of God all rolled into one.  I have been anticipating this weekend for two years.  I had to drop out last year because we were in the midst of Julia's chemo and radiation treatments.  It's refreshment that I long for every year.

The time to worship, reflect, and praise.

Going deeper with women of all life stages in our small group.  Time to get real about our hearts instead of our roles and responsibilities in life.

Having a complete thought! Hearing God's nudgings in my heart and being able to really sit with my thoughts long enough to reflect.  Discovering we do have deep thoughts, but also that we have a lot of empty holes now, too (love you Lara!!).

Reconnecting with old friends and making new ones.  Having the time to share our hearts and our burdens with each other without a dozen "just a minutes" while we put out the daily fires of motherhood.

And time to just have fun enjoying... eating meals without getting up, going to the bathroom by myself, showering without an audience, napping on Saturday afternoon, carrying only one bag around, having breakfast made for us, staying up late giggling and playing games,

Most of all we remembered how to "be" instead of just always "doing".  When we step out of our life we can start to see some of the craziness and explore some of the cracks in ourselves we've been trying so hard to ignore. Time to really think about the posture of heart in our daily to do lists.  Whom are we serving? Our daily circumstances and roles will never fill us up.  Only one thing can.  Our identity is in Christ- who He is and how He made us.  We are here to do the work He has prepared for us and equipped us to do.  He is meeting us at every step along the way and as long as we are still here, we are still in process.

 ^"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

(Phil 3:12-14)

And I was quickly able to put all I had learned into practice.  I came home to a husband leaving town for work, an energetic son looking for a playmate, and a very sick JuJu... 

Unfortunately the stomach bug they had last week, must have sent its "cousin" for a visit this week.  We have now switched ends and poor Julia is miserable.  She is going through plastic pants, pajamas, and showers at an unnatural rate.  She has been handling it all well, but the pain and mess are a bit much for anyone.

I stepped out on the porch this morning for a moment to regroup and breathe some fresh air.  I was greeted by this amazing flower.

The kids and I planted flowers and vegetables last week, from Walmart. I grabbed this one with buds on it, not exactly knowing what it was going to look like. It has exceeded all my expectations. But God has a knack for that.

I am so thankful for the time this weekend to reflect and remember the countless ways, big and small, that God's hand has been in my life. I am always overwhelmed by the privilege of seeing that same hand working in the lives of the women around me. Thank you all for sharing your hearts and showing God's glory. He's made each one of you so beautiful!

Scan Day

Today was "scan day" for Julia.  It felt strange to be going back after so long.  Last April we went to the hospital almost every day and this year only twice in April.  Julia was excited to go back to the hospital to see all her doctors and nurses.  We've really missed seeing them all.  We arrived at the clinic at 9am and went back to the lab to get started.  She was not thrilled about getting her finger pricked.  Definitely not a fan.  They are pretty used to that, though.  Nobody likes that part.  We just kept the process going anyway, talking around her as we went.  She was fascinated by the tubes in the wall they use to send them down to the lab (like the bank drive thru).  She calls it the "blood elevator".  She was soon captivated by her band aid and quickly smiling again.  Purple frogs can fix a lot of problems.

Then it was time to pee in the cup.  There are days this takes all day.  It's such a process to take off the diaper, sterilize, get everything ready, and usually we're doing it all while moving from appointment to appointment.  I was thrilled when she went right away.  Yay.  Seriously, there is not much more gross that squatting on a hospital bathroom floor with your arm in the toilet trying to catch pee, all the while practicing good sterile procedures.

The clinic was starting to fill up fast.  They were down several nurses and backing up quick.  They decided to triage the kids in the hall to speed things up.  It was so great to see Nurse Nancy again.  We just love her tender, sweet spirit! Her peace is tangible.  After vitals, we headed to the 7th floor to radiology.  Julia is such a pro at this stuff.  She walks right in with the tech and gets down to business.  It surprises me how she always remembers just what to do. 

I love this part because as I stand behind the glass wall watching her sitting there, with the shining cross on her chest, it reminds me how she is marked by God.  She is His and everything that happens is in His hands.  He has a plan for her life from before she was born and He has work created just for her to accomplish in this world.

Then we were taken back for her ultrasound.  It was nice to see Kalista's smiling face again.  She does a great job with Julia and loves how she lays so still.  This is Julia's favorite part of the day because she gets to watch TV during the scan. 

Then we headed back to the clinic to wait for her physical and to hear the results of the scans.  It was a full house.  There were kids everywhere.  It always hits me fresh to see so many new faces.  This time it included four babies, so sad.  Cancer does not discriminate.  We did see many old friends, too.  Those are hugs you can never explain... the bonds run deep and say a thousand words.  Julia was excited to see Ms. Betsy again.  The art table was definitely a hit with her today.  

Then we headed to the waiting room to finally eat a snack.  Poor Julia had been NPO all day, but didn't really seem to notice.  She soon decided she'd rather play in the playroom.  We made some new friends and had fun reminiscing about all the kids' birthday parties past and present.  Julia is so excited about her upcoming birthday in May and tells everyone who will listen.

Nurse Karen came out to take us back.  So good to see her smiling face :) Dr. Wofford did her physical today.  When she walked in the room she told us, HER SCANS ARE CLEAR!!  Praise God, we are so excited and thankful.  They had one concern, her liver is larger than last time.  They aren't going to do anything about it right now, just watch it.  Her white blood count is still low, 3.4.  Normal is from 6-17.  They had mentioned before this may be a permanent side effect.  This appears to be the case with her.  The good news is her body appears to have compensated.  She has been fighting off illnesses well- faster than the rest of us actually.  So we will continue to watch these and pray about them.

By the afternoon we were free and Julia was ready to find food.  We headed down to leave, and she said, "Mommy, aren't we going to eat?" She loves the cafeteria :)

Then it was off to get Carter and give him the good news.  Time to celebrate! For Carter that meant ice cream, for Julia some Dora soup. I love the ways these two squeeze into the same chair all the time.  They are so great to each other (most of the time).  I am eager to watch their relationship grow.  I know it will have rocky points, but their bonds run deep. 

Letters to God

Billy and I went out last weekend to celebrated our belated anniversary.  After a yummy dinner at Southern Roots (love that place!!), we wanted to go see a movie.  As we looked at our options we decided on Letters to God.  We have both wanted to see it, but knew it would be difficult.  We were right.

The movie was great.  It is the true story of the director's son's battle with medulloblastoma that took his life.  The characters were all endearing and heartfelt.  The movie skimmed over a lot of the aspects of the childhood cancer journey, but stayed true to it's message of faith and the path to salvation.  Tyler was a boy who knew God's purpose for his life.  In his short time here he led many people to walk with Christ.  His simple heart for others and desire for God was inspiring. 

Especially precious was his best friend, Sam.  Watching her lose her best friend was especially hard.  There was also some attention paid to the struggles of Tyler's older brother dealing with his brother's cancer and the pressures on his mom.  This is a huge issue to cancer families.  There are so many things that could have been covered in the movie, but then I guess it would have been way too long.  There were many lines about the chosen calling of cancer kids that hit so close to home.  God has touched each one of these courageous kids in a profound way. 

Also in the movie, Tyler's "wish" is granted and his family visits Give Kids the World.  They did not really explain much behind the village or its purpose, but there were a few glimpses of its magic.  They did show the mailbox added by Tyler for family's own letters to God and his brother sang an amazing song about life with cancer.

So when you have the chance, go and see Letters to God.  Check out their website were you can post your own letters.  Find out more about the incredible Give Kids the World Village, their inspiring founder, and their endless work for families. We are eagerly counting down the days to Julia's once in a lifetime visit in less than two weeks!!

On the eve of "scan day", Julia is doing great.  She is full of life, energy, and playful inspiration these days.  She is talking a mile a minute in a constant streaming monologue of her thoughts and observations.  We are excited to see all our friends in clinic tomorrow.  We have lots of hugs and smiles to share.  Julia can't wait to show off her new hair and hand out some very special hugs. 

As this day is now upon us, we are facing the realities of this unknown journey.  When talking to some other cancer moms in the past months I have heard over and over again that you learn to live in the spaces.  In the beginning of cancer, we lived life in chunks of several hours.  In time this became days, then weeks.  Now we live in three month spaces between scans.  We are learning more and more every day how to fully embrace each day as a gift and blessing.

We pray for a smooth visit tomorrow, positive progress at her physical and labs, clear views for all the scans, wisdom for the techs and radiologists, unveiling if their is anything in her body we need to see, and strength and wisdom for us to give God the glory and point others to Him in every interaction.  And as we rest in God's peace, Billy's new tattoo summarizes our outlook...

...24 hours later

And just a day later the kid who couldn't even stand up by himself and had a high fever, played double header soccer games!! How does he do that?

(Sorry no pics, it was raining.)

Julia's better, too.  I must say it was kind of peaceful and calm around here while they were both lying on the couch.  As soon as they ate breakfast this morning it was like all the words they didn't use yesterday came pouring out of the floodgates.  They have been talking incessantly all day.  Julia is rambling on a mile a minute as I type, about how to make a humming noise so you can fill your ears with air, and the sound a rectangle makes, and what flies like, and how much better she feels, and what Chloe the cat is thinking, and on and on.  They crack me up.

Falling like Dominoes

Having young children means you become well acquainted with the "sickness du jour".  There is always something or several somethings swirling around and you just wait for your turn.  As hard as being isolated was for the past year it was a blessing to not have to deal with all the little viruses flying around the playground set.  We only had a handful of illnesses over the entire year.  This spring we have been watching the 24hour stomach bug fly through everyone we know.  I feel so torn, do we want to just get it and get it over with? or are we holding out to avoid it completely?

We got our answer at 6am Monday morning.  Carter appeared next to the bed crying, "I threw up. You have to clean it up."  Billy was already getting ready for work and Mommy had stayed up really late, so I told him to just crawl in bed with me.  Seems simple enough.  Only he cannot rest knowing there is a mess in his room.  He was adamant (and loud) that it be cleaned up now.

He seemed to be okay at breakfast and actually wanted to eat.  As the day went on he got progressively worse.  By the afternoon they were both feverish and not moving from the couch.

 Carter was sick three times.  Julia never did get sick.  Having chemo has given her an incredible ability to control her nausea.  When you throw up for that many months I guess you learn how to stop it when you can.  Every time she would get that "look" on her face.  She would drink cold water and do this whole deep breathing thing.  Apparently it works.  

Unfortunately this was also the day for her GI follow up.  I didn't want to cancel because we've already moved it once and they won't be able to see her for another month.  Since we were heading to the peds floor of the hospital- where the sick kids are anyway- I put her in the stroller and we left.  The doctor said everything looks good.  They are happy with the way the miralax is working.  They are fairly confident there are no major complications they need to address; just clinical constipation from the surgery, chemo, and radiation.  So the next step in the plan? Time.  I was really hoping for something with an action verb at least.  Oh well.  They want to give her the time to heal physically and emotionally.  We are supposed to gently encourage her to use the potty, but wait for her to decide it is what she wants.  We go back for her follow up in July.

They were both pitiful for the rest of the day.  Neither one could even stand up on their own.  Fortunately they both slept long and hard and seem to be better this morning.  Hopefully this was the last of the bugs for a while and spring and summer will be healthy this year.

A Simple Walk

I took the kids for a walk the other night before dinner.  They love to pick flowers and there are so many beautiful colors to see right now...

I like when we have the chance to wander at their pace without a destination or time limit.  I was expecting a simple walk, but we got much more.

As we neared the main road, Carter wanted to pick up some of the litter on the grass.  We did not have a trash bag with us so I told him we would come back when we did.  As he passed the piles of discarded cigarettes and wrappers he commented that those were bad and made people sick.  They can even cause cancer.  This kid remembers everything he hears and sees.

We walked on a few more blocks and he looked up at me and said, "So mom what did we do to cause Julia's cancer?"

It stopped me in my tracks.  We talked about how pediatric cancer works and that nobody causes it.  God allows things like this to happen for a reason and for His glory.  We don't understand, but we trust God to take care of us.  He seemed satisfied with my answer and immediately launched into his 'Julia status update'.  He sounds like a doctor giving report on rounds.  He goes through her cancer diagnosis, her completed treatment, port removal, scan schedule, and most recent labs in the same way he would tell you about his baseball cards.  It still shakes me that this is his reality.  It also hit me just how much this is still weighing on his mind.  We've decided to go ahead with counseling for him to help him continue to process this experience.  I don't want there to be lingering questions or fears in his mind.  I know we are not trained in drawing that information out and as his parents it gets complicated.  We hope this will give him a chance to continue to work through it all.

As we continue to talk we always get to the end when he asks, what happens if it comes back.  I hate answering that question.  I don't have trouble with what to say, I just hate that I can't give them any definite reassurance.  We all want to protect our kids from the pain in this world.  In the pediatric cancer world that just isn't possible.  The child with the cancer will experience direct pain and suffering that can not be taken away or avoided.  The siblings face a different kind of pain through worry, change, upheaval, empathy, jealousy, and guilt.  And through it all their innocence is lost at a young age.  They learn about the realities of cancer, suffering, and death.  Other children we have walked this road with have relapsed and several have earned their angel wings.  This is our reality and we cannot protect them from it.  Their minds and hearts have had do deal with things no child should have to know.  I trust that God has a bigger plan and He is tenderly shaping them both for what He has planned for them...

But as I we rounded the corner and I watched them take off for the house, I couldn't help but wish for simpler times... the days when they talked of the dandelions clutched in their hands and not the realities of cancer.

Midwest Homeschool Convention

My solo flight was to Cincinnati to meet some girl friends for four days at the second largest homeschool convention in the country.  It was an amazing weekend! The conference was wonderful.  The speakers were amazing! I went to 17 sessions and learned so much from each.  And it was more than just school, it was Christian parenting, life lessons, motherhood, friendship, and so much more.  My mind was so full by the end of the day.  I'm so glad I took notes and that the sessions are available for mp3 listening.  I will post more in the future about some of the specifics, but it was definitely worth the trip to Cincinnati!

It was such a treat to get away for the weekend.  For four days there were no chores, children to care for, husbands, or daily life.  It was me, my backpack, and my thoughts.  I highly encourage other homeschooling moms to make it a priority.  I met some wonderful speakers, was able to ask lots of questions, talked to some amazing families, compared notes with other moms in similar situations, researched curriculum, literature, and other resources, ate amazing food,

spent time with dear friends, and finally was able to get my hands on things I had only read about.  The expo hall was mind-blowing! 240 vendors!

I left feeling encouraged, peaceful, and excited about our year ahead.

More to come later!

Opposites

I can't think of two things more opposite than...

FLYING ALONE and FLYING ALONE WITH YOUNG CHILDREN.  

I have done the latter almost 60 times in the past 6 years and have experienced the full gamut of adventure...

...the GOOD:  on time arrivals, happy babies, helpful passengers, new friends, gracious airline staff, business travelers who would offer to carry the stroller or go get my dinner so I didn't have to haul everything, first class upgrades with meals, cooperative children, fun trips, smooth layovers, in-flight naps...

...the BAD:  lost luggage, my cell phones falling on the tarmac (long story!), broken strollers, missed flights, hours on the runway, nursing in the air, diaper blowouts, rude passengers, abrasive flight attendants, running full speed from A to C in Atlanta with a baby-stroller-backpack-2 bags for the last flight leaving in 10 min (more than once!), sleeping in airports, 2am arrivals, lightning storms in flight, full body searches of my 2yr old (through random selection) where I was forbidden to help or touch him in any way...

...and pretty much everything in between.

Just going through security with children by yourself is a feat.

Everything you own has to be taken apart, disassembled, and put through the machines, but the TSA folks cannot help.  This baffles me.  If I take the baby out of the car seat and have to put the seat, the carrier, and the stroller through x-ray- where does the baby go while I do this and take off everyone's shoes and coats? I have handed them to friendly strangers before or even put a blanket on the floor to lay them on.  While all the TSA folks stand with their arms folded watching.  Why is it they can touch your stroller after, but not before? I'm confused.

Anyway, this past weekend I had the opportunity to FLY ALONE.  I printed my boarding pass at home, took my 2 carry-on bags, and walked to the gate to get on the plane.  Are you kidding? Is this really how other people travel?! I actually napped on both legs of the trip.  It is possible to sleep on a plane.  It's not the plane, it's my fellow seatmates that were making it impossible :)  And the airports? No problem.  I have always dreaded the regional jets because to get off the plane you have to go down narrow steps, through a tunnel, up steps, through another tunnel, and up more steps.  Have you ever tried this with 2 kids, 3 bags, and a double stroller, by yourself?  The gate agents won't help.  And not only are the majority of fellow passengers unwilling to help they also are loudly annoyed at your misfortune and inconvenience to them.  I've occasionally had a few pilots actually help out.

It was also interesting to me to see all the changes being made to security.  This was my first experience with the full body scan machines.  You enter a narrow booth, stand sideways, and strike a pose with your hands making a diamond shape above your head.  Then a mysterious person behind a one-way glass wall inspects your naked scan.  While this is happening you are standing on yellow footprints, nose-to-nose with TSA security waiting for the "wizard behind the glass" to tell them in their ear which body part to pat down.  The lady in front of me had her chest selected.  Oh my! And my fate? My head.  Seriously?! Is there something I should know? What did you see in there? Totally bizarre.

It was a very smooth trip.  As much as I missed my kids, it was a welcome break and I appreciated all the small, simple joys of taking to the friendly skies.

Mommy-Daughter Day

While we were in PA, Julia and I had the chance to spend the day together at the zoo.  The Lehigh Valley Zoo is set in the middle of a game preserve of rolling hills, expansive views, and large animal herds.  In the center sits a great little zoo.

The weather hit ninety degrees and the sun was bright and warm.  We were greeted by the penguins and otters and headed down the hill to find the lorikeet enclosure.

We were told we could feed them, but the keeper did not think they were hungry.  Apparently they were because we walked in and instantly there were 3 perched on our arms and one one each of our heads! I wanted so badly to get the camera from around my arm, but had my hands full of birds! I was afraid Julia would be scared by their closeness, but she was fascinated they were drinking out of her little cup.  I finally managed to grab the camera from my arm and snap a few shots.

Such beautiful birds...

Then we headed to the playground for some fun and a picnic lunch.  We enjoyed seeing so many unique animals up close and personally.

One of the neatest parts of the zoo is the drive out.  As you leave you see animals in the fields everywhere you look and as your driving you cross the river.  You would think it would be across a bridge, but no- you actually FORD the river in your car!! The bridge is just for looks.  I apparently am the only one who didn't know because when I reached the river's edge, I got out of my car to ask the people behind me where I was supposed to go.  They had to say it a few times before I was convinced :) 

It was a treat to have some time with Julia alone.  She has been really coming into her own these past few weeks.  We are seeing her personality emerge again.  The break from the hospital, the time with her friends, and the healing in her body has started to heal her soul in a profound way.  She has become so chatty, outwardly loving, and sings all the time.  For us it is like meeting someone new for the first time as we try to discover who this little person is made to be.

As everything around us screams rebirth and renewal, we can't help but notice the miracle unfolding before our eyes in our own family.

Backyard Fun

One of our favorite parts of Mimi and Grandpa's new house is the backyard.  It is like traveling to an imaginary place free to roam and pretend.

The kids climb trees,

make forts behind the bushes, build with bricks, pick flowers,

 

play basketball,

color with chalk,

play broom hockey,

As if the huge climbing tree were not cool enough already, it has just become even more amazing.  They have added a tire and disk swing...

And this has become one of our favorite places to have school...

Happy Easter!

It has been a joyful Easter Sunday! We cherished the time spent with family, worshiping in church, enjoying spring, and celebrating the resurrection. He is risen indeed! 

We started the morning getting ready for church and attempting to take pictures.  Both my children are very anti-photo these days.  Can't you just feel the joy in this one?

They look like kidnapped prisoners! Seconds later they were laughing again, just never in the same direction.  Oh well, we'll have to settle for the impromptu shots later in the day.   Good thing they smailed so much yesterday :)

We enjoyed the Easter service.  The kids were great and recognized many of the hymns.  Julia was asked to help during the children's sermon.  It was a touching moment to see her standing there smiling thinking of how far she has come since last Easter.  Then we headed over to visit their Great-great-great Aunt Melba and bring her some supper and good cheer.

Then the family came over for an egg hunt and supper.  The kids had a great time with their cousins...

grandparents...

and great-grandparents...

and we feasted like kings on lamb, ham, potatoes, sweet potatoes, roasted veggies, homemade bread, cakes, cupcakes, candies and more.  Delicious food and family fun...

But more importantly it was a day to stop and look at all we have been blessed with and to remember the redemption in each of our hearts that has been graciously given out of Christ's suffering and ultimate sacrifice.  We are free to walk in victory equipped with the fruit of the Spirit because of this amazing gift. 

Thank you for the cross Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for your nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crowns
You reign victorious
High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb