Just Below the Surface

We are clearly living in the shadow of scanxiety around here.  I was talking with a friend recently about what that actually looks like.  If you could peek into each of us this is what you might find...

• we find ourselves awkwardly impatient and short with each other, especially the kids- 'parental guilt' takes on a whole new meaning
• we pick fights about non-issues to release some of the pressure
• we take the time to really reflect at how far we've come and how gracious our God has been
• we cry when we least expect it
• we crave praise music and time in the Word with the same intensity we crave oxygen
• we wrestle daily with the demons... the what-ifs, the fears, the fate of those who've gone before us
• we ponder the numbers... the chance of relapse, the duration from the end of treatment to relapse, the possibilities of other complications, the options
• we can't help but be hyper-sensitive to physical symptoms and what they might indicate.  Never again will there be 'just a fever', 'just a pain', or 'just an illness'
• we weigh the side effects of every past and future treatment, drug, scan, or test.  With cancer you go to the end limits of 'normal exposure' and then jump off the cliff.  Now we just try to juggle it all and pray that in 'scanning safer' we aren't missing anything.
• sometimes we just sit in the silence and be because we don't want to say aloud what we both know the other is thinking
• we linger a little longer, hug a little tighter, read one more story, and take one more glance
• we feel the burdens of those still in the trenches fighting for their lives with an even greater intensity
• we find ourselves daily having to lay it all down again and accepting God's grace for today alone.

We are 4 days away from Scan Day...