It was one year ago today that time stood still for a moment and our lives were hurled down a completely new path. I had no idea that the
words I had written the night before were a foreshadow of our life to come and the foundation that God had laid in my heart for a time such as this.
It is hard to believe a full year has gone by. I can still remember every detail of
that day in vivid detail, as if it just happened yesterday. I remember every event, every thought, every feeling. It was like it was all happening in slow motion. As the world continued status quo around us, everything we knew was changed in an instant. God had ordained a path for us that we never imagined, but He was already going down it ahead of us. Every step would be in blind faith. We had no idea what to expect.
There are so many moments of the past year that have been life-changing for us...
- the moment the ultrasound tech came in the waiting room and told us the pediatrician needed to talk to us across the street
- hearing the pediatrician say, "We think she has cancer."
- standing in the rain crying as the words sunk into my soul
- meeting her pediatric oncologist an hour later
- handing her to a nurse to be taken to the OR
- hearing the OR nurse say on the phone line, "They are putting in her port now." our first confirmation it was cancer
- sitting down in the parent lounge to hear the "your child definitely has cancer" speech
- telling our children that Julia had cancer
- holding her and watching as the first round of chemo drugs went in
- laying her sedated body on the table while they mapped and marked her body for radiation
- her hair falling out in handfuls whenever I touched her head
- her first blood transfusion
- the moment I realize we felt completely at home in the oncology clinic and it had become a part of our routine
- watching what chemo does to a child
- the last day of treatment
- the first time we went out in public again without precautions
- the first time hearing the words, 'the scans are all clear'
It has been quite a year, to say the least. We have all been changed. Sometimes the changes are obvious and expected and other times they catch us by surprise when we find out the many ways cancer has penetrated every part of us. But I can say with confidence we are all better people and we have experienced our God in an intimate way that can only happen in crisis. Our faith has been tested and deepened in ways we don't even fully grasp, yet. We have gone through so many stages of "new normal", it makes me dizzy to think about them all.
The end of treatment in October and her first round of clear scans in January ushered us into a new world. It was a tough adjustment. Another cancer mom described it as being
kicked out of the nest. When your child has cancer your schedule is not your own. As parents we are at the mercy of the doctors, hospitals and their plans. We wait to be told where to go and what to do. The idea of planning ahead or deciding when things will happen is a foreign concept. I laughed the other week at the peds office when I heard a parent arguing about when they could fit their child's next appointment into their schedule. In the cancer world we just nod and put the card in our bag. We are not in the driver's seat of our lives anymore.
When treatment ends you feel lost for awhile. The battle phase is over and now it is time to survey the battlefield and take stock of the situation. It was a slow process for us as we all adjusted to new roles, healed physically and emotionally, found a new rhythm, and started to rejoin the world as regular participants. When you are kicked out of the nest you suddenly discover you can't fly as gracefully as you may have before. There is healing that needs to happen before these wings can flap again. Outside the security of the nest and all the caring staff, it is an ambiguous place to be.
Fighting cancer is an action. We hate to have to do it but as parents we like action. Now we are in the
hoping all is clear and nothing comes back stage. See, even the name... ambiguous. We have faith that she was healed. We have faith that God has cared for her every step of the way. But we are not promised complete healing. Actually just the opposite, we are promised there will be suffering in this world. I say this not to be pessimistic, but to be real. We have never had to struggle with the "why me?" In fact, just the opposite, "why not me?" We are never immune to suffering or safe from tragedy. This happens to families just like ours, just like yours, everyday. In the case of pediatric cancer, it's once every 3 1/2 minutes. This can happen to any of us and there are no guarantees, except one... Our God who loves us, created us, and sustains us has every page of our lives already written in His book. We can rest in His hands and trust His heart, no matter what happens.
As I look around at where we are right now, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Our sweet little Julia went into a cocoon a year ago. We didn't know how or when she would emerge on the other side. It has been several months now since she began the healing process. She has had to heal physically from the chemo, the meds, and the port removal. It took several weeks to build up her endurance and stamina. Her hair is growing and she is feeling more like a little girl these days. She has been healing emotionally as she learns to be 3 again- learning to handle her emotions, follow the rules, interact with her brother, play with other children, be away from us, and process all she has experienced this year.
In the past week she has made tremendous strides. Her childish imagination is returning. We overhear her making up songs, talking to her animals, and pretending. Such a sweet sound! Her joy for life is returning. She is so excited to go places these days and is bubbling with details she can't wait to share afterwards. Her heart is healing, too. She has her sparkle back and is finding herself again. She loves to tell us she loves us in the most random moments.
She has recently been filled with amazing anticipation. We received the news that Julia's wish was being granted by the
Make-A-Wish Foundation. Our little animal lover is getting her dream to go see the beluga whales, seals, sea lions, dolphins, dogs, horses, and orcas at Sea World in Orlando! We will be staying at the
Give Kids the World Village and visiting several of the parks in Orlando. The kids are beyond excited and cannot wait for May to arrive. Julia has been dreaming about a family vacation for months. After everything she has been through this past year and everything they have had to give up I am brought to tears by the thought of them having a chance to get away in a child's paradise. We feel so blessed.
As spring unfolds around us, our sweet girl has emerged a butterfly and is eager to see how she can fly!
