Humbly Thankful

This past week I have been feeling overwhelmingly thankful.  I'm not sure the exact trigger.  Might have something to do with the fact that Thanksgiving is only two weeks away- seriously!! What happened to fall?! I feel like we missed it.

No, it started before that.  I'm just feeling so thankful for how far we've come.

I've been putting together a photobook for Julia about her cancer journey to help her process what she's been through and to talk about all that has happened.  Her memories are there even when her understanding or words were lacking.  As her cognitive level matures, she has been able to put words on what she remembers.  I want her to have a visual of her journey.  It started small and grew into around 60 pages, but it documents her battle from March until October.

Looking back has been so emotional.  A picture has the power to bring back all the feelings of that moment or in some cases to reveal what my mind has pushed aside.  Just eight months ago... 

I am so proud of her for the tremendous grace and courage she has had from the very beginning- IVs without a tear, her quiet determination in the PICU, not even flinching at chemo for weeks, day after day of NPO for radiation, weeks of side effects, isolation from everyone (still continues) and she takes it all in stride.  Thank you God for your unending faithfulness.

This week it has really hit me how well she is doing.  We sit down for meals now and everyone happily eats! That is huge for us.  It has actually made me cry, just watching her eat her dinner.  This is so easy now.  She is feeling really good these days.  The moodiness has faded.  The pain is a distant memory.  The scar across her stomach looks great.  The port in her chest is like a part of her now that we all have grown accustomed to seeing.  Both kids are very accustomed to staying home now and are content playing with each other.  It has kept us all healthy and Julia out of the hospital which makes it all worth it.  Her head is covered in that soft fuzz where just a short time ago she was completely bald.  She still tires easily.  She is still building up strength and endurance for daily activities.  Her body is still internally healing from all of the drugs and effects.  She still has lingering side effects.  But her sweet spirit continues to shine- unaffected by all she has endured.  Thank you God.

We recently received news from a friend of another little girl in Texas- Reese- beginning the journey with nephroblastoma (Wilms').  It is surreal to follow their days.  They are walking the path we traveled such a short time ago.  Please lift them up as they await pathology results.  It took weeks for us to get a confirmed diagnosis and plan.  We are eternally thankful for the definitive results that lead to aggressive treatment that hopefully has saved Julia's life and preserved her health.  We pray the same for Reese, as agonizing as the wait may seem for them now.

Friday night I had the privilege of attending a Ladies Holiday Dinner at a local church.  Holly (Matheson's mom) was sponsoring a table for Childhood Cancer Awareness.  She honored several local children and remembered several that we've lost.  She invited several of the cancer moms she knows and oncology nurses from their hospital.  It was a wonderful night.  I am so thankful to have other moms to walk this journey with as we share our burdens and lift each other up.

Yesterday afternoon while Julia napped, I turned on the TV (before I napped) and found myself watching one of St. Jude's Partners in Hope specials.  I have watched them many times in the past, but this is the first time I have watched as a cancer parent.  I have to say my tears were them same.  It is heartbreaking to see the battles these kids are fighting and awe-inspiring to see their courage, determination, and optimism.  It was very surreal to hear them discuss Julia's type of cancer.  We know it way too intimately.  I still at times can't wrap my mind around the fact that we are a family of childhood cancer.  The biggest difference was now I feel the same emotions their parents feel as they profile their personal journeys.  And now instead of faces of strangers, we have friends fighting each one of these horrible cancers.  And unfortunately I know all these vicious cancers by name.  And just like at St. Jude's some of ours win and others earn their angel wings way too soon.

As I watched these brave kids of every age fighting for their lives I couldn't help but be humbled by their endurance and hope.  Several kids had been battling aggressively for over 5...7...9 years even just to stay alive.  Giving up was never an option to them.  They never even considered it.  No matter what lie ahead- high dose chemo, bone marrow harvesting and transplant, amputation, radiation- whatever it takes, they were ready to take the next step with confidence that they were fighting to live.  I think of all the kids in our Brenner's family and they have the identical fighting spirit.  But in watching yesterday I couldn't help but cry out to God in anguish, on behalf of these precious children, that we as a nation are doing so little to further pediatric cancer research.

It is one thing to have to tell your child they have cancer.  To then have to subject them to treatments, surgeries, painful procedures, etc.  For some to relapse and have to be told they are out of options.  It is the horrifying truth for way too many.  It is a sobering reality to have to talk your child through painful and poisoning procedures, but you do because you are fighting for their lives and giving them hope.  You are helping to make them better.  But for some there are no options.  Our sweet friend Vinny is more than ready to fight and wants to fight, but he has few options.  At this point they are trying to extend his quality time, but can't offer him a cure. And precious Ellie in Charlotte tells people she "has cancer, but not the dying kind".  Sadly, her relapse is aggressively overtaking her little body.  These kids want to fight and want to live and we have nothing to offer them.

Can you imagine telling your child, "Sorry, I know you want to fight, but we have nothing to help you. Our country doesn't want to spend money on that kind of research."?

We can't give up!

It really struck me this past October.  Did you know American's spend $4.75 billion on Halloween?! It sickens me to see so much of this money wasted.  Do you have any idea how many parents consume their kids candy and complain about it later, or like the majority of parents, just throw it away?! All that money wasted, literally in the trash.  So much could be done with just a fraction of that.

As the holiday season approaches and gift buying begins- remember these kids.  What do you buy for the person that has everything or really doesn't want anything? Why not donate on their behalf to pediatric cancer research.  Or shop at one of the many online shops to benefit cancer research.  A few of our favorites are 

CureSearch, St. Jude's, and St. Baldrick's.  These organizations are on the cutting edge of pediatric cancer research.  They are taking the risks and thinking outside the box to save kids today, now.  So many public funding dollars are given to 'safe grants' such as 'do good eating habits effect incidence of cancer?' These projects do nothing for our kids fighting to stay alive, but institutions want to guarantee they will be funded.

As too many children prepare to celebrate their last Christmas please consider what you are being called to do to help.  It may not be financial, it may be donating blood, volunteering at a hospital, or helping at a fundraising event.  None of us can do it alone and every little bit helps, no matter how small it may seem.  These kids never give up hope.  They deserve a fighting chance.  You can help keep their hope alive.