Taking Stock After Cancer

We've had some quiet family time lately.  We wanted to talk with the kids about Julia's recent tests and what this means to all of us.  They still had questions and wanted clarifications on our current status and the future.  It was time to reassess where we all stand- what still applies and what doesn't.  They hear and process all of this with incredible comprehension and we have to remember to take time to touch base with them.  It still takes me back to hear the way they explain it all- chemo being over, the tumor being gone, how Julia's counts are still low and she needs extra protection, etc.  For 3yrs and 5yrs they are wise beyond their years.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster- the anticipation and wondering, the waiting, the great news and celebrating, the relief and joy, the extreme gratitude and thankfulness to God- it is an exhilarating and draining experience.  Thursday night we couldn't wait to crawl under the covers and just sleep.

Billy and I had some time to talk Friday night and really take stock of our situation.  It is so complex.  We are so happy and feel a burden lifted, but at the same time are acutely aware of what remains.  Why is it so hard to just let it all go, be happy, and deal with what comes when we get to it? Because our eyes have been opened to the realities of childhood cancer and innocence lost cannot be regained.  Now we can only grow in maturity.

We are elated that Julia has been healed at this time and God has protected her through surgery and treatment.  We are beyond thankful. Grateful doesn't even begin to describe it.  God has held us in the palm of His hand through this entire process.  It is so much bigger than we can even imagine with so many variables at play.  It humbles me and brings me to my knees as thankful tears spill out. 

It is only by the grace and hand of God that we even discovered Julia's cancer.  She had one UTI and our pediatrician did an ultrasound (their office protocol).  It was at this routine screening that the tumor was found.  She was completely healthy and the tumor could not be felt from the outside unless you knew exactly what and where you were looking.  She has the more rare aggressive form of Wilms' tumor- anaplasia.  These tumors are typically found when they are the size of cantaloupes, protruding from the abdomen, and have already spread to other parts of the body.  She is the exception- one of only a handful.
      
But now there is survivor guilt.  The pediatric cancer family is a close-knit community that no one ever wants to join, but if your name is called- initiation is immediate and membership lasts a lifetime.  Every trip to the hospital and clinic we catch up with friends and make new ones.  Every visit there is at least one child in extreme suffering or in the process of dying.  No parent should ever have to walk their child home.  There are no words.  No one will ever know why some children win their battle and others do not.  God's ways are not our ways.  We just cannot understand.  I do believe everything that happens is to bring God glory.  Everything.

Julia's cancer passed through the hands of her loving God and He ordained the path he laid before us.  Our prayer from the beginning was that we would bring God glory through our circumstance.  God has been so faithful.  We have had the privilege of testifying to our faith and the power of our great God, we have been blessed to show others the love of Christ in a hands-on and very personal way, God has revealed even more of who He is and we have come to know Him more intimately, and He has trusted us with this situation and all it entails.

Our hearts have been moved to become more involved in the battle against childhood cancer and advocating for others in our situation.  It is up to the survivors to carry the torch for those still in the battle and those we have lost.  It is a cruel reality that families of childhood cancer patients are not only put in the position of fighting for their child's life, but also battling for insurance, research, funding, and awareness.  As God calls us to this new place He has been so faithfully providing.  I have been praying for God's discernment in the path we should take from here.  In His perfect time I have received answers.  We have had two contacts from within Brenners' hospital, one from St. Baldrick's in California, and another locally.  These were not contacts I initiated, just emails (seemingly) out of the blue.

The enemy wants us to believe we can't make a difference, we don't have time, and it would be too hard; but God has much bigger plans.  I would much rather step out in faith doing something I am unsure of and depend on God's strength and power.  It's so much easier to say then do, though.  I feel like most days I struggle with just getting our act together in our own house.  How could I possibly have an impact on a greater scale? Because that's just the way our God works.

I think of my dear friend Lara.  She has an amazing testimony- redemption and God's calling in its purest form.  She has had a variety of ministry roles in the past few years, but having three children under 6yrs really puts a damper on certain things.  She felt God calling her to write, but how? In a series of divine events a book contract fell into her lap.  Awestruck, she thought "Wow. Okay God, but it's not practically possible in my present situation.  I would need a laptop."  A few days later she was handed a laptop.  Like Gideon, now she was sure.  God was in this.  She could walk down this path with confidence that God would figure out the details if she simply stepped out in faith.

I'm there.

I don't know exactly what it will look like or what specific tasks God has before us, but we are prayerfully 'discussing' it.  I had the chance to go to the gym this weekend.  A rare treat.  I had to take a sabbatical during Julia's treatment and am now trying to get back when Daddy is home to watch the kiddos.  Anyway,    
my time at the gym is sacred- in a religious sense.  It is my opportunity to intentionally fellowship with God undistracted.  It flies in the face of all that's going on around me- yikes! Have you ever listened to the music videos they play! That's a whole other post.

I pop on my headphones and it's just me and God... and David Crowder Band.  Yes, I am the crazy lady at the gym with my iPod and headphones mumbling to myself, mouthing the words to the music, crying, and sweating all the while- just look the other way.  I love DCB! We had the amazing privilege of seeing them in concert the month before Julia's diagnosis and I have not stopped listening since.  God has been really speaking to my heart through their music.  It was their Remedy CD we streamed into the waiting room during Julia's surgery that brought a peace that passes all understanding when we were told our daughter had cancer.  My current favorite is All That I Can Say.

I first heard these songs on Angie Smith's blog about losing her daughter.  The title song is so powerful.  The crazy thing is it was not available for purchase.  BUT Angie's loyal blog readers asked (and asked and asked) and David Crowder re-released it! So if you haven't done anything special for your personal relationship with God lately, hop on over to Itunes and add it to your playlist.  It does not disappoint.

So back to the gym, God just reminded me personally of His intimate concern for the details of our life and this crazy cancer journey.  But at the same time I was reminded of His everlasting power.  God has already won the battle.  It is already finished.  Sit with that for a minute.

The rest of the 'stuff' doesn't matter.  The battle is won and we can live victoriously with His power within us to accomplish anything.  God reminded me, gently, of where we've been this past year and how far we've come.  And my heart was drawn to see the plans he has ahead for our future, like he was giving me a sneak peek.  He will not disappoint.  I pray we are faithful in His calling for us, as hard as it may be.  We are a battered and broken bunch these days, but God can accomplish miracles through us.  I'm excited to see what He has in store.