My Prayer

Dear Lord,

I'm tired. Not in a physical sort of way, well okay some of that, too.  My soul is just so tired.

...from the isolation.  I miss people.  I miss my friends.  I miss our church.  I miss being around people.  That is my soul's fuel and I am empty.

...from the unknown.  Not knowing what will happen Thursday at the scans...  or the next ones, or the next ones, or the next ones...  Lord, I trust You and I've given it to You, but not knowing is so hard.

...I miss taking my kids out to enjoy life- to play at the park, to go to the pumpkin patch, to eat at a restaurant, to play with friends.

...I'm frustrated with myself.  I know I'm stressed and depressed, but I can't change very much of our circumstances.  My kids deserve so much more from me right now and I hate that it is so hard to give it to them.  My own personal health issues have been an uphill battle.  I have not felt like myself in over four years.  I'm scared to ask if I ever will again. 

...from the lack of order in our lives.  Cancer strikes healthy children and families with no warning.  You are thrown headfirst into the battle of your life and you learn early on you cannot control anything.  When the dust settles, you attempt to take control of life again only to find it comes with an added burden.  You cannot control your life and your family and fully trust God at the same time.  The heart cannot do both at once.  It is so hard to fully trust God with everything when you have seen up close and personal the beast that lurks to kill.  Child-like faith was much easier on the other side of cancer. 

...from the fear of germs.  I try to let it go, but it is so real.  We have child friends fighting for their lives right now from the sicknesses they've contracted.  It is all very real and hitting very close to home.

...from watching what all of this is doing to our family.  We are all broken in some way and it's hard to help everyone at once.

...from the suffering around us.  When you join the cancer family, you share in the burden.  God gives us amazing grace to walk this road and to walk alongside others, but sometimes it just feels like too much.

...from the tears.  The numbness of the past seven months is wearing off.  It creeps up and threatens to choke me if I don't let it out.  Now that I am not having to be strong for her, my own weakness remains.

Lord, we need You to fill up all our holes and put us all back together.

We can't, but You can.  We don't know, but You do.  We are weak, but You are strong.  We fail, but You are perfection.

Thank you Lord, that You never leave or forsake us.  Thank you that none of this is about us.  It is all about You.  Your truths are my mantra...

• "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 
• "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."
  James 1:5 ESV
• "Cast your cares on the Lord and will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22 
• "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm  you, plans to give you hope and future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you!  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you declares the Lord."  Jeremiah 29:11-14
  
• "May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 
  

Lord, you have been SO good to us.  Please give us the mental stamina and the faith muscles to BELIEVE Your promises every second of every day.  We will never be the same.  We are forever changed.  In the places where we are empty, Lord, fill us up with more of You.

Amen.