Life From the Sidelines

We've been having a good week around here. Daddy's in Florida working and we are making the most of everyone feeling good. It has been encouraging to have Julia's counts higher, so I didn't feel quite as panicked every time we left the house.

We went back to storytime for the first time in a long time. The kids talked about it excitedly all the way there and all the parts they were looking forward to. They are still singing the songs from that day. I've found ways to stay on the outskirts of things and kept her away from others. But it seems there is always one kid who repeatedly invades our space. I try to be nice, but I know my 'mother dog' glare comes out on more than one occasion. The frustrating thing is these children are usually older, acting inappropriately, and have parents who just ignore it. So I will continue to glare :)

We actually went to the waterpark one morning, too. In the past this was a daily destination for us and we've really missed it this year. We decided to try the early morning on a weekday and I'm happy to say it wasn't crowded. I was able to keep a 3 foot radius between her and the other kids. Not easy, but we did it. After about an hour I had had enough of the over-attentiveness, so I showered them off and we went to picnic in the car. It was all well worth it!

We had to run errands one morning, so we stopped to eat a quick lunch before Carter's swimming lessons. I disinfected the table and chairs and we sat down to eat. When he finished, Carter went off to play and Julia was left to just watch. It all seems so unfair, but sadly necessary.

Carter has had two baseball games this week. He's really enjoying the season.
He still spends a good amount of time on the ground- as often as possible.
His new fascination is making the throw from his knees, oh geez (eye roll).
He still gives the play-by-play as he goes, too. I must say he has been switch-hitting lately (his idea) and is doing an awesome job. (He's actually got a better average leftie than rightie now.) Julia is hanging out and watching from the sidelines.
I feel bad because she wants to play on the huge playground next to the field- like all the other siblings- but she can't. It didn't used to frustrate her, but now it does. I hate telling her 'no' about something so simple. We go over and over the reasons why, but I still wonder what she really understands.

It seems in the past month she has started to understand more, from a developmental standpoint- around the same time she started resisting port access and blood draws. It's like something just clicked. She is finding her voice in all of this. I've been moving forward cautiously. I'm trying to find ways to get her to open up about her thoughts without suggesting to many ideas. We have talked to her in very basic terms about the tumor, surgery, and chemo. I hesitate to talk too much about cancer in her body because I don't want her wondering if it's still there and worrying silently. We have explained a lot more to Carter because of his age and understanding. So now I struggle with how much more she needs to know.

Its difficult to explain, but she just has this look that tells me she understands and is feeling much more than we realize. The observations she makes daily and the things she says remind me just how much she understands and how much of a thinker she really is. At times she gets distant and quiet or just frustrated and I want her to be able to talk about her feelings. I feel almost guilty sometimes like I'm not completely 'there' for her. I don't want her to grow up with the feeling that she went through this 'alone', not being able to talk about what was happening to her. I don't want her to feel like I ignored this major event by carrying on as normal as possible, but we need to try and keep things 'normal' at the same time. Please pray for wisdom in this area. I am trying to do 'play therapy style' conversation to draw out what she might be thinking. Our Candlelighter's books are on the way and I look forward to reading them with her and maybe starting some conversation.

On one hand her age makes this easier because she is optimistc, joyful, and trusting- but it's also hard because I can't tell how she is processing all of this. When I hear her say, "I can't play there because of my chemo." I just wonder what that means to her. Yet again, God has met us right where we are. I stopped to get the mail today and Julia asked if there was anything for her. I looked and said, "yes, actually there is." She had a package from PA from one of my parents high school classmate's daughter who had cancer as a child. She sent a book about being a kid with cancer that had helped her during her treatment days. We stopped and read it right there in the driveway. She also wrote a heartfelt letter that I read aloud and could barely get through. Julia has looked through the book several times on her own today. When I came downstairs tonight, they were sitting together on the couch and Carter was reading it to her.
I was reminded to take this all one step at a time and let her lead the way. Things continue to change, but I trust God is already there to meet her where she steps. My daily prayer is that he continues to draw each one of us closer to Him in all of this. It will be different for each of us, but only He knows exactly what we need.