Julia Update

Julia's health has been really good this week. She still has some fatigue and aching, but has learned to mediate it and rest when she needs, too. She has started getting the mouth sores. It began with one and I clung to the hope it was just a canker sore, like Carter frequently gets. Hoping, just maybe, we could avoid them. Now she has several. They don't appear to be bothering her too much at this point. She has been eating a more limited diet, by choice, since she came home from the hospital anyway. It is just another reminder of what she's going through.
I've said before how much I love that she seems to forget about the cancer in between chemo treatments. As time goes on, we at times forget, too. In brief periods, things seem normal and you catch yourself remembering. Especially because she has kept her hair. It would be such a glaring, constant reminder of the cancer. So far we have been blessed enough to avoid it. I didn't realize how anxious I was about her hair falling out. How will I hold myself together? How will I explain it? What will I say to them? What shouldn't I say? How will I choke back the tears, swallow my shock, and put on the brave face for her? I still find myself pausing in the mornings before I open her bedroom door. What if? The past few days I have caught her holding a strand of her hair and playing with it- once on the living room floor and once in the bathtub- totally normal places for hair. It just takes on a whole new meaning and it takes my breath for a moment.

Julia is starting to anticipate her chemo treatments. She commented this afternoon that she was better and didn't need to go to the doctor again. We nonchalantly said yes, not today, but we go back for chemo on Monday. She told us to please leave her rainbow heart bandage on and not to take it off. That bandage peeking out of her shirts has become so commonplace now- a part of her, but also a steady reminder of the port that lies underneath. She's started talking about it more at home. Though when a little friend asked her about it, she said it was nothing. It has been interesting to see what she grasps. We were playing in the yard with some friends and she went to get on the swing. It had some bird poo on it and she told Shana she couldn't get on because she had cancer and couldn't get germs. They are definitely listening. Carter is talking about it more often, too. In the bathtub at night they pretend the water is chemo medicine and use their play syringes to administer it to each other and their dolls and animals. Such a crazy road.

I feel like cancer is like this huge book we now own. It used to be strewn open on the floor for all to see and impossible to miss, or you'd trip right over it. Now, some days the book's open and some days its closed. Some days it's even setting neatly on the coffee table. It is a part of our family we will always own. I look forward to the day when it is tucked away neatly on the shelf and pulled out only when we want to flip through it.