Life in the Mixing Bowl

I mentioned when we first came home from the hospital what a shock it was to exist in the regular world again. In our hearts, minds, and souls there will forever be this dividing line- before cancer and after cancer. The world will never quite look the same and our family is forever changed, yet life goes on.

Normal life is oddly reassuring and comforting at times. At other times it startles you, like walking into a piece of furniture. As time goes on and Julia's hospital appointments have spaced to a week at a time, we have started to find a new groove. We are still living a semi-quarantined life. I don't run errands with them like I used to- it's just not worth the risk of illness. When we do I carry her to keep her from coming into contact with anything. We have to avoid our favorite child-centered locations. Our time with friends is much less than it used to be. We are trying to get into a new rhythm. We are so blessed that it is spring and we can be outside for a change of pace and new activities. We're finding our way.

I try to plan, but still have to be open to anything because we never know how Julia will be feeling or what she'll feel up to doing. I struggle with managing her cries and needs, with Carter's need for interaction and normalcy. He has had to adjust, too- in so many ways. Sometimes things look and feel so normal and then it all just falls apart and it becomes so obvious we are all wounded in this. I struggle with maintaining discipline and limits and then just letting things go. When you're thrown into cancer that line becomes so ambiguous and ever-changing.

You can't live in that in between place where time stands still, but it felt like such a safe place- a place we didn't want to leave. I still remembering lingering in the hospital after her surgery and diagnosis. We didn't want to leave. It took us hours to convince her to go home. But it is not 'life' in that place and we all need to live. I feel like we are now living on the edge of the two. We jump back and forth between the quiet place and this new life. There are times when they each seem comfortable.

Cancer is so unpredictable. We don't know what our life will be like day to day. We make plans, but everything is tentative. We don't know what lies ahead and what challenges we have yet to face. And I am okay with that because God knows and He is in control. I wrote a post during my own healing from surgery about learning to abide. God is nudging me in that direction again. I can feel myself wanting control and wanting to know what to expect. I have to be still and abide in Him with each day. I don't have to know what will happen today or tomorrow. I need only to trust that it is His plan and He will equip me to deal with it. I just have to remind myself of that truth, over and over. I cannot depend on my own strength in this fight.

We were all shocked this week as Julia started to lose her hair. It was something we expected at the beginning, but have pushed out of our minds. And now we must face it head on, every day. She is losing it all day long. There is hair on us, in her bed, in the bathtub, on her shoulders, on the floor. When we brush her hair it comes out in large handfuls. When you reach over to brush a curl from her face or touch her head, you are left with a handful. When she takes out her bows the hair comes with them. She has noticed the piles of hair beside her and asked several times. I tell her it is falling out from the chemo and will grow back in the fall and so far that is okay with her. I don't know if this part ever gets easier.
When I pull the hair out of her brush I find myself dropping it in the drawer. I just can't bring myself to throw it away yet. That just seems wrong for some reason.

Carter's been pushing back against us a lot more this week. This morning when he crawled into bed with me I asked him what he wanted to do today and he said, 'play with his friends'. I can do that. In no time I was on the phone 'placing an order' for his two best friends for the day. It was the best decision I made this week. He played all day long. Not once did he ask me for anything or whine or scream. It was exactly what he needed. I was able to clean the entire house (took all day) and care for Julia without feeling torn that I was neglecting his needs. He just wants people to play with and I am trying to find a new way to work that in to our new life. It was a peaceful day of play at our house...

The night ended with Awana. Tonight was Carter's last night as Cubbie :( I cannot believe he is getting so big. We have loved our two years in Cubbies and have had a memorable experience. Carter has made great friends, had some incredible leaders, played lots of fun games, and worked hard learning his verses- lots of wonderful memories. Next year he will be in Sparks and Julia will be a Cubbie- wow!